Thursday, February 09, 2006

Cuts for Luck, Scars for Freedom



Healing, boys and girls, is the word of the day. Supa's dealing with some stuff. Seems like it's going around...everyone is having life issues, work issues, relationship issues, self issues, etc.

I've been fighting a wicked mood, and shoulda pulled back and took some quiet time for myself (some days off work). Have to remind myself (again and again) that healing is a process, you might feel better for days or even weeks at a time, then some shit'll hit and pull you under and make you feel like you're back at square one...

Times like this I get so overwhelmed with dealing with my own feelings/emotions/grief/rage that I find it absolutely unbearable to deal with anyone in my space...I become completely unfit for human interaction, believe me, I don't wanna see anyone, talk, etc. For an already loner, moody type chick such as myself, this causes some major stress amongst my friends and fam. I'll disappear, won't answer my phone, return emails, etc. for weeks. Shit is tough. On everybody. I just miss her.

So. Aside from the knife in the chest I walk around with on the daily, whenever I get any news (expected or otherwise) about my baby sister's murder case, I just have to take like fifty steps back and just chill....I got anger issues, man....hurt issues, pain issues...trying to resolve and deal.

But I just fucking can't see straight when I think about how this premeditated murderous fool gets delay after delay (the trial was supposed to start this month, now we were just informed he got a continuance until SEPTEMBER 06) and is sittin up talking with his punk ass lawyer and has three hots and a cot and time on his hands, when my lil' sis didn't have a second to react before he put a 9mm shot through the back of her skull. I'm sayin', I have to go somewhere, be very still, then sob and yell and throw things and try to box with God in a way where I won't scare my kids or get someone worried enough to come and sit with me for the rest of the fucking night. And don't worry, ya'll. Supa's not suicidal. She's homicidal. But lemme stop 'cause I've already been warned by the authorities on what constitutes a valid threat on a punk's life....

SO, last night I just cried. Didn't throw anything, no threatening phone calls to the jail, no calls to loved ones to share my anguish. Just listened to music. Smoked half a joint. Saw to the household, then got in bed.

I'm being real when I say the shit I've been through over the last five years should've fucking killed me. In a way it has. What I just wrote about is only about 1/4 of the entire story....Folks ask me about my ankh tattoo. I tell them that I got it there for spiritual/emotional reasons, I know what the symbol meant to my people, and I chose the symbol to anchor me back down to the earth. A sista been floatin'. I put it on my left foot (the feminine side), so it can serve as a reminder.

Yep, I'm still here.

So since I'm also working on my essay deadline for next Monday, Supa gon' take a lil' posting break. I'll reconnect next week when the pressures off and I've had more time to sit with myself and regroup. Have a great weekend, blogger fam. I'll still be checking in on your drama/foolishness when I get a sec.

Peace.

Supa

18 comments:

jameil1922 said...

i know it sounds cliche but have you talked to someone about it? grief counselors really can help. you will never begin to heal until you can give yourself closure. no matter where he (the killer) is, even if he's dead, if you haven't dealt with your anger issues, you won't be able to move on. and how you deal with her death will begin to effect your children. i would encourage a black counselor, too, because we have other issues that manifest themselves in our ability to deal with situations beyond our control. i know i would lose my mind, too if someone took my sister away.

Cocoa Girl said...

take your time, Supa. We'll be here whenever you make it back;-)

God bless...

Shawn said...

(((((((((HUG))))))))). I just wanted to give you a big one. Take care of yourself sistah.

African girl, American world said...

take care of you...((hugs))

That Girl Tam said...

Dang....you're person #2 today that I've read and now I don't even know how to respond. I'm going thru MY shit...and you're going thru shit too...you reached out to me (while YOU were feeling all fucked up) and now I'm reaching out to you...if u need me.

((hugs))

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through it. It definitely going around. I've been having some ups and downs myself.

I'm soooooo sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. I can't begin to imagine how devastating that was. If something were to happen to one of my sisters I'd never get over it.

The same type of thing happened to my aunt’s half sister. She had an older half sister that from her dad’s previous marriage. That whole family tree thing would take me a hour to explain (smile). Anyway, her sister’s before started being really verbally abusive and all of a sudden physically. She finally broke it off with him after all this had gone on for a month or so. She was suppose to be meeting up with my aunt one evening but never showed. When my aunt went to look for her, she found her murdered. Come to find out the abusive boyfriend had done it.

What’s worse is that this muthafucka is getting ready to get out of prison this year. I has served his 20 year sentence and will be release. Ain’t that some shit. This world can really be totally fucked up!

I hope you are feeling better real soon! Take care.

Single Ma said...

Supa

Take all the time you need and do whatever you need to do to stay strong...for your sister and your RRs. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Much Luv!
-SM

Tiffanie said...

I am sorry for your pain and I hope that you start to feel better.

Supa said...

You guys are the best. *sigh* Bout to have some tea and tuck myself in bed. I feel all of your hugs!....thanks for the love. truly.

Miss Ahmad said...

Supa those of us with sisters in heaven carry that with us every day. I lost one of my sisters when I was 25 and although the pain doesn't go away, sometimes she sends me little love notes to let me know that she will always be with me.

Do what you have to do for yourself now and always, the bloggers send you cyber love!

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

Take care of yourself and stay strong. God bless you and your family

obifromsouthlondon said...

jeez sis i'm reading this at work all wide eyed. had no idea (archive tracking in order). sorry for the loss of your sister and i pray for her departed soul.

this brings the question of old testament versus the new, that eye-for-an-eye vs the forgiveness thing. it's always simplistic dwelling on this especially when a life has been snatched. let man's justice prevail. give to ceasar ...

heal and come back.

Closet Owner said...

Stay up, and stay strong

Dee said...

Wow!!! Keep your head up!!!!

I get times when like that!!! No calls...I HAVE to be bothered with my off spring but the bare minimum.....

Genesis said...

doc holiday gives u a cyber huge with cyber love.

Miz JJ said...

You're in my prayers girl. I wish you strength and peace.

dpm said...

Word to the Woman!!! God only throws us pitches that we can hit. Some pitches are more challenging than others. And based on your challenges, they only speak to the strong Black woman you are.
Take care of you and yours.

k

onecoolhoney said...

What Jameil said; even the strongest of us need some external upliftment every now and then. You already know you live in my prayers. Call me if you need an ear. Love you, JS.