Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The World Breaks Everyone
For those of you who don't know, my little sister Ardena Carter was murdered by her boyfriend 2 years ago while she was at Georgia Southern University working hard and getting a Master's degree. She was also six months pregnant when she was killed. She'd already found out the baby was a girl, and named her Destiny Nicole. We'd bought baby clothes and planned her shower. And then she left work on September 11th 2003, and that was it.
She was missing for 3 months before her body was found in the woods. Her murdering bastard boyfriend, and the baby's father, Michael Antonio Natson, picked her up from her apartment, pretending as if he was taking her to retrieve her car that'd been repaired, and then blasted her in the back of the head with a 9mm and dumped her body on Ft. Benning military base where he was stationed at the time. It took 2 long unbearable fucking years for them to build a case and arrest his ass. Now he's on lockdown and facing a capital murder charge with special circumstances. Those are just the highlights. I won't even begin to get into the fact that this was going on right around the time the Laci Peterson case was the only news you could get anynightoftheweek, and that Ardena, also missing and pregnant but black, got so little press you might as well say it was none. We couldn't get her fucking story on CNN. Not for nothing.
No I won't even begin to get into the many issues on the socio-political tip, like black on black violence, violence against women, violence against pregnant women, the cold hard truths of the American criminal jusctice system, the cover-up the fucking United States military is still actively trying to pull, the fact the media (America) doesn't give a shit about missing black girls, and believe me, the list can go on. I can't even begin to address any of that, because my fucking heart is broken in about five thousand places and it's still very hard to breathe.
I had a rough fucking night last night. Rough fucking night. I wish I could tell you that I'm one of those people who after suffering through a tragedy like this has "a whole new wonderful appreciation for life" and "wants to forgive," and has found "meaning" but I'm not. Really, I'm not. Oh, I've changed, but it 'aint in the warm, fuzzy way. I am that chick people will sadly admit "whose head got fucked up completely and hasn't been the same since." I'm angry, hostile, hurt, resentful, disillusioned, and just immensely fucking sad. I get so fucking severely angry and sad and depressed sometimes that it takes all my energy to keep myself from hurting someone.
All this has taught me that life is difficult and tragically unfair. Death is a cold muthafucker. When you have someone taken from you, murdered, with hate and malice and premeditation by another human being, it will shake you free from everything you thought you knew and wanted and believed in and counted on in this life. Trust me. The fact that stupid murderous muthafuckers get to keep on living, but a young, beautiful, determined, decent woman gets her brains blown out at the age of 24, that's a hard fucking bitter pill to swallow.
So last night was one of Those Nights, it's just the kinda shit I go through, I just kept drinking cause I needed the pain to be dull for awhile, and I danced and cried and threw things and fell asleep on the floor with my favorite picture of Dena and me, while listening to Pac, and at one point I even picked up my phone and sent her a text message saying "I miss you Dena D", and 'aint that a trip that's how fucked up this shit is, her name and number are still in my cell phone, I look at it everyday and I wonder why after 2 years I still can't delete it or if I ever will.
I will write again about Dena, because she was just truly a special human being. But I can't write anymore right now.
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.