Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The World Breaks Everyone


For those of you who don't know, my little sister Ardena Carter was murdered by her boyfriend 2 years ago while she was at Georgia Southern University working hard and getting a Master's degree. She was also six months pregnant when she was killed. She'd already found out the baby was a girl, and named her Destiny Nicole. We'd bought baby clothes and planned her shower. And then she left work on September 11th 2003, and that was it.

She was missing for 3 months before her body was found in the woods. Her murdering bastard boyfriend, and the baby's father, Michael Antonio Natson, picked her up from her apartment, pretending as if he was taking her to retrieve her car that'd been repaired, and then blasted her in the back of the head with a 9mm and dumped her body on Ft. Benning military base where he was stationed at the time. It took 2 long unbearable fucking years for them to build a case and arrest his ass. Now he's on lockdown and facing a capital murder charge with special circumstances. Those are just the highlights. I won't even begin to get into the fact that this was going on right around the time the Laci Peterson case was the only news you could get anynightoftheweek, and that Ardena, also missing and pregnant but black, got so little press you might as well say it was none. We couldn't get her fucking story on CNN. Not for nothing.

No I won't even begin to get into the many issues on the socio-political tip, like black on black violence, violence against women, violence against pregnant women, the cold hard truths of the American criminal jusctice system, the cover-up the fucking United States military is still actively trying to pull, the fact the media (America) doesn't give a shit about missing black girls, and believe me, the list can go on. I can't even begin to address any of that, because my fucking heart is broken in about five thousand places and it's still very hard to breathe.

I had a rough fucking night last night. Rough fucking night. I wish I could tell you that I'm one of those people who after suffering through a tragedy like this has "a whole new wonderful appreciation for life" and "wants to forgive," and has found "meaning" but I'm not. Really, I'm not. Oh, I've changed, but it 'aint in the warm, fuzzy way. I am that chick people will sadly admit "whose head got fucked up completely and hasn't been the same since." I'm angry, hostile, hurt, resentful, disillusioned, and just immensely fucking sad. I get so fucking severely angry and sad and depressed sometimes that it takes all my energy to keep myself from hurting someone.

All this has taught me that life is difficult and tragically unfair. Death is a cold muthafucker. When you have someone taken from you, murdered, with hate and malice and premeditation by another human being, it will shake you free from everything you thought you knew and wanted and believed in and counted on in this life. Trust me. The fact that stupid murderous muthafuckers get to keep on living, but a young, beautiful, determined, decent woman gets her brains blown out at the age of 24, that's a hard fucking bitter pill to swallow.

So last night was one of Those Nights, it's just the kinda shit I go through, I just kept drinking cause I needed the pain to be dull for awhile, and I danced and cried and threw things and fell asleep on the floor with my favorite picture of Dena and me, while listening to Pac, and at one point I even picked up my phone and sent her a text message saying "I miss you Dena D", and 'aint that a trip that's how fucked up this shit is, her name and number are still in my cell phone, I look at it everyday and I wonder why after 2 years I still can't delete it or if I ever will.

I will write again about Dena, because she was just truly a special human being. But I can't write anymore right now.



The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
-Ernest Hemingway

19 comments:

A Stranger said...

Reading that post made me cry. A college friend of mine was murdered, and they never caught the perpetrator. I won't say I know what you're going through, because I don't, but I do know that the murder of a loved one is fucked up in a way an "ordinary" death isn't.

I wish I had words to help you. I know sometimes just writing things down helps, but I hope you have someone to talk to in real life. Good wishes/ thoughts/ prayers to you.

Tracy said...

My heart breaks for you and this senseless act. I can't offer anything but my prayers and my sympathy.

I appreciate your candor and I hope you continue to find creative ways like this blog to vent your frustration.

Butta said...

Wow J...I didn't even know that this had happened. My God. My heart and deepest sympathy goes out to you and your family for the pain that I'm sure you are all still experiencing. I hope that justice is served and he gets what he deserves--a very painful death.

Cherish the memories of your sister every day. She may not be here in physical form but she lives on in your heart. I know that these are just words but I hope that they bring you some degree of comfort.

Anonymous said...

you have been going through a lot over the last 3 years and it seems that the pain will never end. i'm always praying for you to have peace in your heart and to be able to experience some happiness. i'm glad that you are able to write your emotions down. don't give up on things that are pure and good. they still exist. (i.e. ruff ryders 1 & 2)

yourgirl
sexy chocolate

Supa said...

Thank ya'll for your words and thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I just came across this post and right now I am feeling well pretty damned upset and sad for you. As you said, nobody seems care if a black woman is missing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and know that there is a reckoning day for those who perpetrate evil, there is a reckoning.

satisfiedsistah

Peace said...

Wow! I got chills reading this. I know someone who's sister was also murdered by her husband. They had 2 children together, and she was trying to leave him because he was abusive. He sho and killed her. My friend now takes care of her neice and nephew as her own. There are no words to describe the pain of somone so close to you being killed, especially at the hands of someone that you have let into your own home and call family. I can only pray that you will be comforted by the fact that your sister is safe now, she is not suffering. Try to remember to be thankful for the years she was on this Earth and for how much she loved you.
Peace and blessings.

mr.kamoji said...

I'm with Peace I got crazy chills reading this, it damn near made me tear up at work. Most of us can never understand your pain or the pain that your family is going through. We also cannot understand your strength for surviving this and being there for others. I hope you can just share what she meant you to and your family to the world.

Supa said...

I miss you Dena D. I know you're free!

Pray for me.

Anonymous said...

I read what you wrote regarding Dena's passing, and it simply greived me! It greived me to feel your anger and bitterness. I trust that a year later you have released your anger and have decided to embark on journey of peace and love. Dena was full of love and life.

If you are still holding this hatred in your heart you must be in torment. Please forgive and release the hate and pain. Holding will not bring Dena back. Name calling and using profanity doesn't bring her back, it just shows you how black your heart really is and that you are truly oppressed by your own means.
Again, I say forgive, lose the hate and seek the only true and living God!

Supa said...

@ Anonymous: Thank you. And good. Because if I can write something and allow someone else to feel my grief, then I've done my job.

And yes...another year into this process has shown me that although I've made progress on the road of healing, I still have far to travel. I realize that. Yes, I am angry. I've got a lot to be angry about. Although I'm more productive with it nowadays, it's still my daily challenge to ask "GOD" to assist me with the rage and pain present in my heart.

No, name calling and profanity doesn't bring Dena back, but I do believe in calling out a murdering bastard who slaughtered a princess. In this case, Michael Natson.

Forgiveness? I'm working on it. Hopefully you or your loved ones will never know the complete horror that a tragedy like this brings.

If you do know - pray for me.
If you don't - save the judgements.

And just in case this is someone from the church, Dena's mother would like to know what ya'll did with the reward money. You don't seem to be returning her (or anyone's) phone calls regarding the matter.


Jamal

Shannon / Florida said...

It's been almost 3 years since the asshole killed my sister and her # is still in my cell and at times I still hit the button to call her.

Supa said...

Word, Shannon. Prayers to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for you. I know that it is very difficult. God bless you and your family.

Emily Smith, Texas

Anonymous said...

i knew Ardena and she was my sister best friend as kids havent seen her since she left cali, i just cant believe this happened to someone i was once close wit ,reading ur post brought tears to my eyes and memories of us as kids my heart goes out to u and her family her fam shit she was like my fam as well we were raised together she will never b forgotten. R.I.P. DENA WE LOVE U
i hope the bastard that did this burn n hell.

Lailani Jennings said...

I SORRY IM NOT A ANONYMOUS MY NAME IS LAILANI JENNINGS.

Anonymous said...

Hi!!!!
I read your post after goggling Michael Antonio Natson. My heart broke!!! I met your sister one time with Michael. She seemed like a very nice girl. When I first met her my thoughts were what is she doing with that ass whole. I grew up with Michael and while he was able to fool a lot of people in our community, I could see the dark side of him. It creeps me out to know that I knew him.

I don't know you, but I would like to know if your are doing better. I pray that you are. Your feelings will never go away, but I pray that with time, you will learn to cope with it and live the life I know that your sister would have wanted you to live.

Anonymous said...

Supa,

We cared. Call me. 770-460-3995.

Unknown said...

Why is Michael Natson pictures on the Internet any more? He shouldn't have that preveledge. He is a cold blooded murderer.