Don't Sleep...

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."
~ V for Vendetta

(also, V for VOTE)

Gemini Wishes....

Much love and light to you, Blogger Fam. Supa is doing better and feeling better. Endless thanks to all of you, for the emails, thoughts, and words of encouragement.


Meanwhile: Start Snitching.

The (Hella Late) Oh?Eight! ('08) Update

Nombre: SupA SiSter

Age: 266 (dog years)

Current Moniker: The Brown Recluse

Alter Egos:Black Mamba, Jen Yu, Wonder Woman, Marla Singer, Celie,

Self Description: Impatient. Moody. Compassionate. Uselessly psychic. Skittish. Fickle. Sensitive. Smart Assy. Random. Selfish. Giving. Unpredictable. Charming. Anti-social. Vengeful. Sarcastic. Neat. Sappy. Loner. Sick, dark, dry sense of humor. High sass factor. Possessing varying degrees of psychological and emotional issues. Kinda cute. Intolerable.

Current Occupation: Woman Of Leisure.
(translation: Unemployed. Disabled. Retired. Whatever the check says.)

Current Relationship Status: Voluntarily celibate. Blooming infatuation with low doses of Xanax. Unethical crush on son’s therapist. Increased obsession with Clive Owen since watching “Shoot ‘Em Up.”

Current Addictions: Television. Nag champa incense. Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio. Having full fledged conversations with pet. Laziness. Writing Hate Mail. Pellegrino. Knock-knock jokes. Turkey Pepperoni. Frightening self-analysis. Legal Pills. Texting.

Current Repulsions: Sex. George Bush. Nervous breakdowns. Working. Weddings. Lengthy phone conversations. The grocery store. The criminal justice system. Email. War. Hannah Montana. Funerals. Drama. Blood pressure pills.

Current Skills: Power lounging. Excellent TiVo organization and show conflict resolution. Remembering to feed my children. Reading obsessively. Naps. Flawless Borat impersonations. My famous turkey lasagna. Never checking the mail.

Current Hobbies: Ordering take-out. Spying on neighbors. Wondering when hip-hop will just die. Painting. Writing movie quotes on walls and mirrors. Window shopping at Big Lots. Pretending not to speak English when bothered in public.Re-watching favorite movies obsessively: (Collateral, Heat, The Hours, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Memento, Good Will Hunting, Brown Sugar; Breakfast at Tiffany's, Ghost Dog, Little Miss Sunshine, the usual shit...)

Current Bad Habits: Cursing. Mumbling. Vodka. Rambling. Always misplacing the remote. Obsessive movie watching. (see above) Looking up everything imaginable on Wikipedia. Not playing well with others. Perfectionism. Repeating myself. Talking to Myself. Repeating myself. OCD.

Favorite Words: Tomfoolery. Fisticuffs. Quagmire. Gruesome. Malfeasance. Hooliganism. Audacity. Fuck.

Favorite Random Responses:1) Escobar season has returned. 2) It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. 3) Bitch. ..you don't have a future. 4) Gosh.

Last Year’s Highlights: Starting own business. Meeting some interesting folks. Slapping a guy in a bar who deserved it after a round of tequila shots. Birthday in Jamaica. That’s….about it.

Last Year’s Lowlights: The last guy I had sex with. My broken Ipod. Appropriate accusations of becoming a recluse. Lil' sister's murder trial. Then...Justin. Falling off my blog game.

2008 Goals: Write more letters. Stop trying to figure it all out, man. (in this lifetime). Apologize more. Put up with bull-shit less. Check my email. Start dating..and not just the brothas. Attempt to answer phone and keep disappearing acts to a reasonable minimum. Learn Portuguese. Write something that's important to me. Take up photography. Appreciate even the tiniest things. Pay my taxes.

Supa: Checkin' In..

What be the haps, Blogger Fam? Hope all is well in your worlds! Sincere thanks all for the messages and comments and concern and well wishes...

Supa's been good. Just taking it slow. Relaxing, regrouping, re-adjusting...didn't do Jamaica (yet), but took a mini-sabattical to the Palm Springs desert for a few (hence the cornrowed 'do!) ; enjoyed lazy life in the sun, thankful for the breather and change of scene; for some time to think, be still, reflect, smile, cry, laugh, get a lil' tipsy, and be thankful some more. (special bonus being, having a promising new fella at my side, who's been doing a damn good job of making me smile and honoring my tears....hmmm....) *smile*

Business at The Lounge is good, just been taking it one day at a time, cherishing the little things, keeping a tender hold on this thing called life. Been journaling like a madwoman, and an old/new manuscript is definitely in the mix. More on all this later. Meanwhile, keep livin', loving, and do what makes you healthy and happy. Ya girl is strivin' to do the same...

Much love always!! ~Supa

Tears, Tatts, and Triumph

So ya girl is checkin' in. Still in chill-and-absorb mode, but I'm compelled to simply say thank you. Thank you to everyone - my regular readers and Blogger Fam, the lurkers and first time commenters, friends (on and offline), and fam bam - all of you who kept me close and in your thoughts and hearts and prayers. Couldn't have done it without you - believe it.

The trial started out rough and I had to stop posting about it for two reasons - one, after realizing the details were making me feel worse and pushing me back toward insanity, and two, after being "warned" by the court that even my little ole blog ramblings might have an outcome on the trial. So in true Supa fashion I busied myself, got some new tattoos, allowed myself to collapse into the comforting space of loved ones and everyday life. And yeah, that's about it. So it's all over now but not really; things never really balance out, yes the trial is done and the murderer was handed down three life sentences (I'm slightly pleased, as another trial watcher commented), and so now life will and can move forward, yet the hard fact that lil' sis still 'aint comin' home is the continual sobering reality. But I think she's happy; she's been sending me little signs. And she's free. That's what pushes me forward.

I would do some personal shout outs, but the list would be too long. Ya'll know who you are. I'll be back in a minute, a sista just needs some time and space to breeaathe. And who knows, an impromptu trip to Jamaica just might be in the mix. Yess..

Be well, Blogger Fam!

~ Supa

Trial Diaries: Continued...

Day Three

I'm good. Much better today. Decided early on that I wouldn't get any trial updates until the days end, so I could insulate myself with good thoughts, good music, and the simple graciousness of being alive. It was a beautiful day. Had a cool day at the Lounge, scheduled a breakfast meeting to do some co-op advertising and promotion with a semi-big-willie in the Leimert Park merchant community, enjoyed my South Central neighborhod on a sunny day (Bone-Thugz and Harmony were shooting a video on my street - how crazy is that - didn't realize they were still a group...) Rolled around the streets with the sunroof and my thoughts wide open. Got some special love and support via text and email. (wink) Made an impromptu trip to a day spa I'd been hearing great things about down in Koreatown, spent the eve in pamper mode. A much needed mini-mental vacay. One day at a time.

Take care, Blogger Fam.



Day Two

Okay, so I wasn't ready for Day Two. Nope nope nope. Nope no fucking way. Was I supposed to be ready to hear never known before facts (evidence) about Dena's last conversation, or her last moments on earth and at what angle she got blasted, or how this bastard actually had a baby with another woman after he killed my sister and unborn neice? (what?what?)

See, here's the deal. While the cops and the army and the district attorney were building a case against this fool over the last few years, there were facts and "details" they simply would not share with us. Said it would jeopordize the case. Said it might inflame the family. No kidding. So there are things that even I didn't know which are coming out in trial and I won't get into details but it's fresh new heartbreak. Fresh and new, alongside the old scars. And here's the even trippier part. I had the urge to call Dena to tell her how the trial is going. I can't even get into the psychology behind that right now.

And driving home, I'm thinking: shit like this changes people's lives. Drastically. Permanently. This shit is so far reaching and I wonder if, just a very small poignant if, if a person who murders, who snatches a loved one out of the arms of folks who watched her grow and believed in her and loved her to pieces, if it's even comprehensible for that murderer to imagine the ripple effect that his senseless, cowardly act has on so many lives - friends, co-workers, cousins and nieces and nephews, neighbors, law enforcement, lawyers and reporters, how so many lives will change and intersect and collide but for no other reason than his own sorry ass actions. Lives shattered, even those of his own family. He has no idea what he's done.

I'm torn. I'm torn because of how I feel about trial watching from a distance, yet knowing that I just would not be able to sit there through all this evidence. I've got kids to take care of, a business to run, and a mind to keep stable...I'll be there soon enough, just not for this part. (But still...)My presence will not change the outcome which I've already determined will be just. The trial is moving along well, which means closing testimony might happen next week and that's what I'm waiting for. Miss me with the defense's case, just miss me with all that bullshit. We know what he did.

But Dena-D: Lil' sis, you're an angel and you've been sending me support and placing little signs in my path to let me know you got my back, and I appreciate it. I really do. I've been embraced in ways large and small, unexpected and completely appreciated. From everyone who's sent me a comment on the blog, to the thoughtful and supportive emails, phone calls, and texts, to my friends and fam bam who have kept me lovingly occupied with hugs, real talk, pretty new "keep ya head up, cheer me up" shoes (thanks, Pam!), hang out sessions at The Lounge, etc. Any and all of it. Ya'll are performing a delicate form of heart surgery, and I love you for it. And trust, I'll be okay. Just need a minute to absorb and reset, and I'll be good. And everything is gonna be alright.


Trial Diaries: Intro


So today, my life unfolded simultaneously on two realms: one in a Georgia courtroom, the other, over the span of a beautiful lazy Southern California day. I got up early, got the car washed, walked the dog. Basked in the near 80 degree weather, ate breakfast in the back yard, did some laundry, hula-hooped, read in the hammock, napped. Took it reeeaaal fuckin' slow. All while a jury heard the first day of testimony in the case of my lil' sis' murder trial.

Had already decided I could spend the whole day stressin', or go through it graciously with the knowledge that justice has already been done and this trial is merely the logistics to that pre-determined end. When I called in for the day's updates, I didn't ask about the jury demographics or what the accused was wearing; just wanted the information revealed by the first witnesses. I was told about the hunter's testimony, and the circumstances surrounding exactly how he found my sister's decomposed body and I said hold on because I thought I was going to throw up. But I didn't. That's a very good sign. Not getting sick so much anymore. All around, it was a good day, as good a day as any. I feel a strange calm. I think about everything that's happened over the last four years. It didn't kill me. That must mean I'm basically fucking invincible.

Ready for Day Two.

And The Supa Saga..continues

And so it is, in this big beautiful thing called life: Things come together, things fall apart. Supa is once again at a point in her life where there is both celebration and mourning; where she is very much reaching toward the future and yet stuck in the past, where memories and magic intertwine, dance, collide...

But let's begin at the beginning. Ya'll have most def been there with/for me during the high times and zany moments, like this and this and this and this and this; and ya'll have also seen me through the valleys and more challenging times like this...and this...and this and this. Man, it's been a helluva ride, yes?

Well Blogger Fam, it 'aint over..

So check it. This the part where I tell you what your girl has been up to, during all this sporadic blog posting and shyt. Looong story short - when I took a leave from the Corporate Slave Ship (C.S.S.) last summer, it was because I just needed to grieve, work some shit out within myself and figure out what I really (as in really) wanted to do with the rest of my life. Don't misunderstand,my office gig was hella cool, a sista was the golden child up in that piece, I could get away with being spoiled and a bit lazy. Problem was - I wasn't passionate about the work I was doing. From jump it had always been "a job," which for years and years served it's purpose, helped maintain a comfortable family lifestyle, you know the drill. I always knew I wasn't the forever and ever square gig kind of chick, but yo, those years can sneak up on you before you can plot your escape. I looked up one day and realized I was sleepwalking. Caught up in the Matrix, big time. Loved my co-workers to death, but the work itself was just bland, uninspiring, and unchallenging, and uncreative as fuck.

I'd gotten caught in the routine: Get up, drag self to work, deal with corporate life and assholes, take long unauthorized lunches, come back to my office, shop online and blog, watch the clock, go home, manage kids and home life, be a grouch, go to sleep. This tired cycle probably contributed to why I couldn't ever seem to get my ass up and to work on time. Ha. In a nutshell - paper pushing and a cushy salary were starting to cost me too much. Emotionally, spiritually, creatively. I was doing something I promised myself I'd never do. Go to sleep on my life.

So, I got some devastating, life-altering wake-up jolts during my sleepwalking years: divorce, the death of my mom, the murder of my sis, the sudden death of a dear sisterfriend, on top of the emotional energy distributed during wifedom and motherhood, etc. etc., let's just say I graduated to an epic what-the-hell-am-I-doing-in-my-life type crisis - and that's when I finally said - Fuck It. I gotta unplug. Bout to toss all these balls I've been juggling in my life, let 'em fall, then I'll decide which ones I'm gonna pick back up. I'm about to figure out how to create a life that makes me happy to get up in the morning. And that was the beginning of an unsure, scary, exciting, and very necessary journey..

Oh. My bad. This was supposed to be long story short...

SO, during my time off, I traveled a bit, enjoyed myself and my kids and just being in my own flow, dropped some folks, reconnected with some folks, spent a considerable amount of time writing and journaling, got another tattoo, took up Tai Chi, finally went to school for something I've always wanted to do, enrolled an accelerated program to become a certified massage therapist with a specialization in Sports Therapy... graduated in the top of my class, realized that not only did I enjoy it immensely but I was also GOOD at it...(and an extra perk is that doing bodywork actually helps me with my writing...I'm more grounded..more energy flowing..or something. Who knew?!)

AND...around the same time, a friend of mine hipped me to a cute little space in the Black Greenwich Village aka Leimert Park in Los Angeles, it was the perfect spot (great location, great lease) to create this new vision of mine - I'd always always wanted to open a Tea Lounge (think Starbucks, but a lil' cozier. and with teas from all over the world...) So. (For real now.) Long story short, is that I've opened my own business called The Body Lounge. (yes!) Which has allowed me to "marry" a few of my passions - body products (I'm a product fanatic), herbal and exotic teas (there is a lounge on-site) and bodywork (massage, reflexology, all that good stuff) SO! The last few months have been me finishing school, getting my licenses, renovating my space, all the start-up stuff (furnishings, equipments, marketing, products, teas, etc), and....I opened doors up a few weeks ago. See?

the exotic tea lounge...where u get your lounge on. good vibes, man!

"Jump, and the net will appear"
"There is the risk you cannot afford to take -and there is the risk you can't affort not to take. "

More on this later. Here's some more pics (yahoo photos was trippin, click on The Body Lounge set in Flickr) if you want to take a look. Yay!! And the West Coast Bloggin' Hotties (Glam, Sangin' Diva, That Girl Tam, and Pattyopolis) will be rollin' thru for a lil' reunion real soon! We might give ya'll some pics. Maybe :) But I gotta shout out all my peeps who supported and believed in me from the scary beginning (ya'll sayin' I should start my own business, what is you crazy?!?!) to the wonderful result, and especially much props to anyone who came over and helped me renovate. And paint!! Auntie, Tony, Demitri, Tonya, Shonnie Mack, Kwesi, Terry, Jessie, K. Bilal, Sylvia, Ruff Ryders #1 and #2, there's more...but much love to my fam and peeps who gave me the emotional support & cheerleading as well. Not those ones who said..leaving your job?, ooohh, aren't you scared, do you know what you're doing, I don't know about alla that... But the ones who said hell yeah, plan your work and work your plan, what do you need and how can I help! Ya'll are fucking priceless. (And yo, Dave: I don't do 3,000 mile outcalls, sorry babe. Gotta find you a therapist more local! Try Brooklyn..)

"..damn it feels good to be alive/no matter what we've survived/no matter what, we still survive"

And then...(sigh) Got word last week that my lil' sis' murder trial is starting. Yep. After all the false starts and continuances over the last year and a half - it appears that it's really about to go down. Jury selection begins next week, trial set to start March 5th. Needless to say, it's the day the family has waited for - and I've had so much anxiety, waves of overwhelming sadness, fear, anger, etc. since I got the word. It's a trip. While I was speaking with the Supa-Ex the otha night, he did his best to assure me: we'll get through this...think of those who never get a trial for their loved ones...we knows what he did, he knows what he did..

And all I could think of was: When I step myself in that courtroom..that means..she's really dead. Funny how the mind works. I don't think I ever really believed she was gone - even at her funeral. That's some strange, trippy shit.

So, that's it Blogger Fam!

New business, new path in life, blessings, and a murder trial.

"After chaos, we get clarity..."


It's all a wonderful tragedy. I'm grateful for it all. Guess the lowest lows allow me to feel, and truly appreciate, the highest highs - and all the beautiful simple things in between.

Peace and love, and I hope all is wonderful in your worlds! I told ya I'd let you know what a sistas been up to - and it's all here! Holla atcha girl!

Much love,

Supa.
(striving to stay Spiritual.Unstoppable.Passionate.Authentic.)

Real Talk

"everyone who loses somebody
wants revenge on someone..
on God if they can't find anyone else..."

I'm thankful school's done! (for now) So, now I can get back to things I've long neglected; like washing the car, catching up on laundry, re-embracing my & others blogs, watching the Ti-Voed episodes of 30 Rock and Nip/Tuck, ironing out the wrinkles in my social/romantic life. Catching a movie. Downloading some new music. Being able to chill, for a minute.

Reflect. Absorb.

But, yeah. It's also that time of year. The time of year that demands a certain amount of holiday cheer that I can't seem to muster. The same time I usually flee, unable to fake it, and take refuge on a Carribean island where I can wrap myself in warmth and thoughts and memories of years past.

For the last four years, since mommy died five days before Christmas (2002) and my little sis's murdered body was found in the woods (2003) - both on December 20th - I just haven't been able to deal with the holidays. The island of Jamaica has been my sanctuary. It's a tradition for which I've been graciously thankful; Christmas in the Carribean. Sadness, rum punch, and a tropical sunset seems so much easier to bear. But I won't have the luxury this year. Too many things going on. Good things, positive things...though for a variety of reasons, I'm forced to stay put. (much to the disappointment of a certain dreamy-eyed Jamaican cutie...hey George) *wink*

But on the real. School has kept me constructively distracted over the past few months. Distracted enough for me to not obsess over the fact that my sister's murder trial is set to start in a few weeks. Imagine that. I still come home and have to remind myself that I can't call her, to let her know I got an A on my anatomy exam. To ask her to help me take my braids down. To bitch at her about something or another. Big sister shit. Why hasn't she called? It's been three years and I still have these crazy lapses. Same thing with mom. Starting to wonder if it'll always be this way. Death and loss are such a mindfuck. Repeatedly trying to adjust to the new normal..

But, yo. Some strange shit has been running through my head lately. Like - am I really ready to face this muthafucker down in court? What would happen if I just didn't go to the trial? I'd swore I could never step foot in the state of Georgia, ever again. On the soil where my sister lost her life. And now I'm supposed to get on a plane and go there for a criminal trial? Could I do that? Or...could I live with myself if I didn't go? Fuck. Will I be able to conduct myself if I do?

I mean, I've worked real hard on cleansing myself of the anger, hatred, malicious revenge plots and hopes of a violent prison-style sodomy rape against this dude. Lately, I guess you could say I've slowly approached a feeling of wavering indifference. (on a good day) But I suspect it all might change if/when I'm in the same room with this fool. I mean, this fuck drove my lil' sis to her death. Plotted the whole thing. Escorted her out his car, then shot her in the back of the head with a 9 millimeter then rolled her down a ditch. Stripped her naked then covered her with leaves and left her to die. While she was six months pregnant with their child. Belly showin' and everything. A little niece I never got to see or hold. I'm still angry. Not as fucking angry as I use to be, but still pretty pissed enough. Still hurt, on a more than a few different levels. My soul is definitely lighter, but don't misunderstand. I'm still working on that "forgiveness" shit.

Am I ready to face all this? (the trial) Can I live with myself if I don't....I just don't know, ya'll. I've been in a real good space lately, and having to revisit all of this in a concrete way is giving me mixed feelings.

Life is a wonderful tragedy.