Thursday, March 02, 2006

Supa, Reporting for Duty..


Blogger Fam - I'ma need you to cut me a lil' slack. 'Cause right now I'm B.U.I. - blogging under the influence...just made some ground turkey spaghetti, and now I'm sippin' on some Chardonnay...today was a TRIP!!! Read on....

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So, after I realize my ass is wanted in court, I slam down the phone and dial my boss. “I’ve got to report to jury duty!” I shriek.

He’s like…So? (I hate it when I'm all riled and other people act all blase')

And I'm like: “I left my juror badge and paperwork at the office, which means I’ll have to come there before I go to the courthouse, and I’m already running late and……”

“So I’ll get your paperwork and leave it with the guard, so you won’t have to come in.”

“Yes! Okay!” I yell, while falling out of bed, fumbling around for my glasses so I can walk to the bathroom and put in my damn contacts. (yes, I’m that freaking blind) Ended up putting my left one in my right eye. I know 'cause my visions all drunk looking. Shit shit shit.

It's 7:50. I'm runnin' around like a mad woman. Shower. Do a half-ass lotioning job. Brush teeffs. Throw on …something. Cute but non-restrictive Seven jeans, belt, tank, blazer. Earrings. (I think) Apologize to Pooch for skipping out on morning quality time. Jet out the house. Jam up to the C.S.S. Retrieve paperwork waiting for me at security desk. Get back on the road. Breaking all kinds of traffic laws. Cellie rings. It’s one of the Supa Friends.

“What up Sup’. We still doin’ lunch today?”

I’m late for fucking jury duty!” I yell.

Dude in a car next to me (an entire lane over) whips his head around, looks at me through his window like I’m absolutely insane. (we're stopped at a red light) Note to self: Gettin' kinda loud. Okay, inhale, exhale...(right, DPM?) “Oh my gosh, where’s the fucking courthouse?!?!” I scream. (yes, people who live in LA can still get lost in certain parts of LA..) It’s 8:20 am. They’re gonna lock my ass up, I just know it. Did I ever pay those warrants? Shit. Shit fuck shit.

So?" *blase' tone* "Just pull up the address on your navigation system.” Supa's friend advises.

“You KNOW I don’t have a fucking NAVIGATION SYSTEM!!!

“Damn, fool! You got a promotion, why you ‘aint bought your Beemer yet?”

CLICK.

I hang up. Turn off cellie. I do not have time for this shit.…

Get to the courthouse. Finally find a parking space on the ROOF. Clomp down stairs. Get inside. Walk toward the line of folks waiting to go through the metal detectors. I’m feeling (and probably looking) haggard at this point, ‘cause I was totally robbed of my primp time this morning. I’m looking average fly - got on lipgloss, but that’s about it. Did I put on deodorant? FUCK.

So. I’m walking fast, trying to keep up with the rest of the jury herd, and the security guard dude is barking: HURRY UP PEOPLE, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON TIME. JUDGES WAITING, COURT'S WAITING, KEEP IT MOVING, HURRY UP HURRY UP. NO WEAPONS, NO CELL PHONES. KEEP IT MOVING KEEP IT MOVING….

Oh shit! I’ve got mace in my purse... So I go, “ummm, excuse me..”

“HURRY UP, NO WEAPONS, NO RINGING CELL PHONES, KEEP IT MOVING…”

“..uhh, I’ve got umm, a small container of umm, mace in my purse…”

“SECURITY BREACH! THIS WOMAN HAS CONTRABAND! MISS? MISS. NO WEAPONS OF ANY KIND ALLOWED IN THE COURTHOUSE. MISS, PLEASE STEP TO THE SIDE…KEEP IT MOVING, PEOPLE..”

Fffuuuucccccckkkkk fuckk fuckity fuck fuuuck!!!!!! Please tell my why he had to put me on blast like that. Please?

So, since I’m already LATE, I try to talk to dude. You know, sprinkle some magic dust….

“Um, Mr. Security guard? Is there anyway we can work around this? Can I check it in, or leave it with you (smile smile), ‘cause I’m already really late..? I mean, I don’t even know if there’s really any mace left in here…(smiling, pouting, looking pitiful)

He ‘aint trying to hear me.

“MISS? MISS. THERE ARE NO WEAPONS ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING. I CANNOT HOLD ANY CONTRABAND OR WEAPONS FOR PROSPECTIVE JURORS. MISS? MISS. I’LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE THE BUILDING, STEP ASIDE, MISS.”

Bitch, please. I wanted to tell him that a weapon was more like that loaded .22 I have at home in my top drawer. The mace is for AFTER you cap a muthafucka. You know. For good measure.

Anyway. Security dude yells:

“GO BACK TO YOUR CAR, AND LEAVE IT THERE, MISS. I CAN’T LET YOU INTO THE BUILDING, MISS.”

“All the way back to my CAR? I just walked down eight flights of stairs!” Plus, I had on my wedgie heels. This mofo GOTS to be crazy.

So I just stare at him. Then he goes, “MISS? MISS….”

“OKAY!” I turn around in a huff. Go BACK out the courthouse, clomp BACK up the stairs and to my car. Was gonna throw the can of mace in the bushes or a trash can or something. But – decided against it. I live in South Central. A sista be needin’ her mace.

So. Back outside, back up the stairs, back down the stairs. I’m supa salty. (I’m lugging laptop, purse, bottled water, scarf, jacket, mind you, in HEELS) Walk back into the courthouse, go through the metal detectors. Once I pass through, security guard dude leans over and mentions he could’ve checked it in for me, but there were too many people waiting to be processed…

Oh. Thank you for blessing me with that lovely piece of info, you loud bastard. Get away from me.

Into the elevator, mob to the jury assembly room. It’s 8:50 am. Stomp loudly into a room full of people watching that stupid juror orientation video. Whooo hooo, glad I missed that bullshit! Some county employee chick comes out, give us our instructions, blabbity blah blah blah. We’re fucking captives for the next few days. Yeah. We get it….

Sit down, fire off first jury duty blog. Walk to vending machine, purchase expired dry ass pack of trail mix. Then, my name is called to report to courtroom. Fuuuuucccckkkkkk. A sista can't get NO rest. ..

Report to courtroom with other schmuck jurors. Wait outside courtroom; size up other jurors. The most diverse, unstable, high-strung, homeless, shifty looking group of folks I’ve seen gathered in one area in quite awhile. Straight motley crew. Dude next to me is staring, I mean like, all up in my grill. White boy. I meet his glance, give him a wry smile.

“I didn’t know celebrities had to come to jury duty,” he smiles.

Hunh?

“Excuse me?” I go.

“Aren’t you like, married to Will Smith?”

*complete gas face*


Day two, to be continued……

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

good luck!

Brave Lurker said...

Damn, what a day! My hubby had jury duty one day and had a similar experience (even down to the crazy-looking crew of potential jurors). Here's hoping to a short day tomorrow.

Free said...

Good LAWD! Talk about a rough day... Cannot wait to hear the rest :-) (And I'm loving "Pooch." What a cutie brat!)

Supa said...

Brave & Free: PRAY FOR A SISTA!!! :)

At least I don't have to report 'till 11 am tomorrow...stay tuned. :)

Bklyn Diva said...

LOL.. ok I done found may ova to you from sangindiva.. and lawd.. another great gemini.. LOL.. I enjoyed you rant.. :) LOL.. I'll be back.. another Gemini Genius

Single Ma said...

LOL you poor thing

Cocoa Girl said...

Bravo, bravo...you had me laughing out loud at work. I CANNOT wait to read the continuation.

I hope you're not trapped next to ol' boy the entire time!

Robyn said...

I'm gon have to call you "Supa DUPA Sista" cause I'd have STRAIGHT thrown that damn can-o-mace down and bought another one SIMPLY to avoid the trudge-in-heels adventure!! LOL I was STRAIGHT ctfu throughout this WHOOOOLE scenario cause Supa, I swear, this was like you were in MY mind when you wrote this cause I'da reacted to ALLLL that shhit just as you did! This was sooo funny! I can't wait for the next installment! LOL

Shawn said...

Awwwe! Hugs and poor girls! Hopefully it will get better.

P said...

I know I am not well. I love this stuff! I feel like I'm missing out.

jameil1922 said...

lolololol!!! that was hilarious!!! i can't wait for the rest!! and i'm mad stupid doesn't know all you have to do is be a registered voter and you get called. and you should have flipped off the security guard. that can't be illegal.

Trent Jackson said...

LMAO!

YOU ARE TOOOOOOO FUNNY!

What court house on Hill or Temple? You should have called me, you know I use to be a bus driver!! I can give you all the short cutz!

We should hangout!

DPM said...

1 word: "Mace."

1 question: Married to Will Smith.

1 asshole: “MISS? MISS. THERE ARE NO WEAPONS ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING. I CANNOT HOLD ANY CONTRABAND OR WEAPONS FOR PROSPECTIVE JURORS. MISS? MISS. I’LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE THE BUILDING, STEP ASIDE, MISS.”

1 more time you be late:
“I’m late for fucking jury duty!” I yell.

I needed that. Smoke one for me and remember, the Bro. ain't guilty.

That Girl Tam said...

This was a funny ass post...I felt like I was running late with you! So I bet today was fun running late IN THE RAIN!

Shawn said...

At least you get paid for the day! LOL.

Supa said...

@ Trent: LAX Courthouse. Do me a favor and call in a bomb threat Monday?

KIDDING.

Supa said...

@ Caramel: Hi! *waving* Welcome!!

@ Robyn: GIRL. Just, drama, okay?!?

The rest of ya'll - stop laughing at me. However I'm glad all of you can shamelessly reap enjoyment from my daily dramas...

:)

Sangindiva said...

I thought I was the one who was ALWAYS late!!!
You are better than me because I always politely "never receive my jury duty summons..."
I'm too busy for that bullshit- Plus,
they don't need me on the jury because I take BRIBES :)
I mean for real-shiiiittt LOL!

P.S. I got 5 on it and a cold bottle of Riesling...
WHAT???

African girl, American world said...

for good measure....LMBAO! Love it!

Genesis said...

oh thats fucked...i swear for god that security woulda got the business for that stunt...all loud and shit.

as for the white dude...jada pinkett? what teh fuck? u dont look like jada...jada look like a man...u shoulda slapped him for that stunt.

MzNewAgenda said...

*snicker* I stumbled upon your blog thanks to Single mom....hehehe good to read ya!