Thursday, March 30, 2006

Conversation with God

"everyone who loses somebody
wants revenge on somebody....
on God if they can't find anyone else"


It happened again. Once again, during one of those precious moments when I was smiling and looking the other way. Death pushed through my door again, demanding to have another talk. Again.

I lost a friend last night. A dear sisterfriend. We were the same age. We entered womanhood together. Our paralleled lives. We were each other’s witness. Getting grown. Partying. Falling in love. Marriage, pregnancies, baby showers, births, housewarmings. We had big-girl dreams. We co-signed each others wins and losses, dreams& struggles, disappointments & triumphs. Our children are the same age. I named her daughter. Our boys ran ball together. Our girls braided each other’s hair. And today I’m here. And she’s not. She was thirty-six years old. I’m thirty-six years old. I didn’t sleep last night. The old ritual is back. Hello again. Lie in bed. Stare into the darkness. Turn on tv, turn off tv. Contemplate picking up the phone. My words are strangled. Walk into kitchen. Stand barefoot on the cold tile, try to force myself to eat or drink something. Can’t. I feel sick. I want to throw up my life. Run to bathroom. Stand over sink. Wait. Think. Try to feel. Look at myself in mirror. Debate on the sleeping pills I’ve worked so hard to kick. Out of Xanax. That shit makes me too loopy anyway. The sake I drank earlier has worn off. Keep staring. Thinking. Did she know she was about to die? God, was she in pain? Was she scared? We didn't keep our last phone date. (girl, so much so much! we gotta catch up!) What about her babies? No. Don't think. Don't think. Legs are weary. Down to the floor. Sit. Alone, barefoot on the bathroom floor.Think. Think and cry, cry and try to remember to breathe. What the fuck is this. What the fuck is all this supposed to mean. I just can’t figure it out. It’s the worst habit of mine, always trying to analyze & intellectualize, if I could just figure it out if I can just get it to make sense it’ll be ok. Nothing.

Nothing makes sense. Right now. Nothing does.


Ealier tonight, I realized a material dream (finally bought a new car), and I was planning a weekend of fun with friends, while my sisterfriend was in a hospital flatlining and no one told me because she was there for something routine and figured she’d be out in a few days. I want my mommy. She’s not here. Dead too. How long have I been on the floor. Crawl back to bed. Legs are tired. Soul is tired. Turn on the tv, turn it off, repeat. It’s back. The ritual. Heartache, confusion, sleeplessness. It’s all back.

I find it tragically sweet. No one wanted to tell me. They waited an entire day, debating on who should break the news, when, how. One person was to call, then it was handed to another. No one could bring themselves to do it. I can imagine the conversation. I’ve heard of them before. Conversations about me, full of worry and love and helplessness and concern. She seems okay, lately. Grief counseling seems to have helped. At least she’s writing again. Let’s not bother her with this or that; the constant coddling of my fragile state of being. It is a depth of love I’ve only recently become familiar. I feel sorry for them, really. I don’t know how to help them help me. I hate to hear them struggle for words or watch them cry because they think they’re losing me. I get happy, they see me planning new moves and speaking of the future, and they would push me in a protective bubble if they could, god I know they would if they could, they know I’m teetering, on the verge as someone would say, and they just hate to have to say it, but they must, and they did. Jamal, Karen died yesterday. I’m so sorry. We’re so sorry. Please don’t go away.

And I think. Remember. Again. When they found my sister’s bones on that army base, I got a phone call. I was at work. It was from a reporter, and I picked up the phone and said hello and the voice on the other end said how do you feel now, she’s been missing for three months and how do you feel now that your sister’s remains have been recovered can we get a statement from you or the family, and I got up from my desk and held my cellie in my hand and said what are you talking about, what are you talking about, and I walked outside because I didn’t know where else to go, and the voice said they found her your sister her bones your sister it’s her they found her remains in a ditch, how do you feel now, and I could hear him talking but nothing made sense, I no longer understood english I did not know where I was, I was an alien in my own body, my cheek was suddenly against pavement I felt gravel on my face, and I was alone and no one knew where I was or what was happening. my sisters bones were found 2000 miles away in some Georgia ditch and I realized that I had collapsed, was face to concrete alone in the parking lot, must’ve walked there in a daze, nobody knew where I was and to this day, I still don’t know how long I lay there on the ground, out cold between parked cars, and somehow I got myself up and walked back toward a life that would never be the same again. Never.

And when I started talking to god again I said how could you do that, how come I fell and there was no one there to catch me, what the fuck was the purpose of that, why would you let that man call me like that? because I was alone, so alone in that moment, no one was there not even you, you just watched me fall, you just let it all happen, my mommy is dead and exactly one year later my pregnant sister is murdered and now in a ditch and I'm left here without either of them, and I really need to know what was the purpose, what divine insight into life was I suppose to grasp, lying there that day, face to concrete, so whenever you’re ready I’ll listen because I think you really fucking owe me an explanation for that, and now today I think:

When I got that phone call last night, I was at home, in the company of a loving friend, had just received a soulhug and a loving note from afar (thank you again: it was perfect), and I was already sitting down when the call came, and so maybe, since I wasn’t alone and face down in a parking lot this time, maybe this was your way of saying, all right, I don't have any answers for you, but guess I owed you one. Maybe, maybe that's it.

i am hurting, but i am okay, blogger fam. writing heals all wounds. this blog is and continues to be my delicate hold on sanity. i just need a minute. came into work, but i'm going back home for the day. we'll talk real soon.
love, jamal.

30 comments:

Me said...

Sista,

Having gone through loosing my mother and father three months apart I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.

I know what it feels like to be angry at "God" as I still am to this day and am still having problems "talking" to him again.

I am not gonna tell you there is a reason for everything , cause I still dont know the reasons for my shit ..but know this ..

You will be o.k.

Be blessed sista

P said...

My Sister. My Supa Sister.

Take care of you.

I don't know from whence my tears come.

- From your devastating loss.
- From the sudden death
- From the pain of the children
- From the beautifully, eloquent, soulfoul, heartfelt words.
- From how I felt sixteen years ago at the age of 19 when the very same thing happened to me.

But we hurt with you. At least, I know I do.

Cocoa Girl said...

Supa, I'm so sorry that it is this yet again. I won't even act as though I know what you are dealing with, nor will I preach to you. However, I do know that you will be okay. The same? Probably not. But you will be okay.

My heart and prayers go out/up for you.

Single Ma said...

Lord I Thank You HOLY ONE for this day and every event of it. For I know that ALL things work together for the GOOD of those who Love YOU and who are called according to YOUR purpose.

Father, I come to you at this appointed hour asking for a SPECIAL Prayer Request in JESUS Name. Lord, YOU said that You will provide and meet ALL of my needs. Lord, I Need You to BLESS the people who are reading Jamal’s post. Your Children God! I Need You to BLESS them with the Desires of their Hearts that are in alignment with Your Good and Perfect Will.

Master...Provider...Sweet Spiritual HEALER, I come to you in the Name of Jesus asking for YOUR HEALING POWER this morning for our sista Jamal. In a MIGHTY WAY Father. Lord, I (YOUR FAITHFUL and LONGSUFFERING SERVANT) am asking You in the Name of JESUS to BLESS her for me LORD. YOU SAID that WHATEVER I ask for in the Name of JESUS that it SHALL be given UNTO ME!!!!!!!! Lord, whatever and wherever the ache or pain is...I ask that YOU would HEAL it in the Name of JESUS!!! The NAME that holds ALL POWER and AUTHORITY!!! The NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES!!!

And Lord, when YOU are done HEALING her, I Pray and Ask that YOU would Restore her spirit Lord, to be made whole and complete...lacking NOTHING...according to your PERFECT WILL.

And so it is...in the NAME OF JESUS...that I say THANK YOU Lord for answering MY PRAYER. I HONOR Your HOLY Name and give it the Highest Praise...Thank You FAITHFUL FATHER...in JESUS Name...AMEN!!!!

dpm said...

Supa,

I'm sending you a hug (...............................................................)

dpm said...

Amen.

That Girl Tam said...

It's a rare moment when I don't have anything to say. And sometimes there are moments that don't require words...just the silence alone can be comforting. Just know in your heart of hearts that we are all feeling your pain, wiping your tears and sending our love and hugs. Let's postpone the weekend thing...

Miss P AKA Her Royal Cliqueness said...

Condolences...
Love.......
Peace....


Take strength in what comfort writing may offer.

-P

Zlogical said...

What a person say at a time like this sister--nothing useful for you personally because that is a part of your heart. I can say that you can appreciate having such a close sisterfriend, and remember that she was here for you, and that in your heart she remains. Keep the ties with her children, and let the moment take its course in your heart (tears) for there's no way to fight the loss of love.

Miss Ahmad said...

Putting you at the top of the prayer list knowing that death is the most challenging phase of life itself!

Tameika said...

I just want to say God Bless you, and take your time and process this in your own way. The hurt and grief have to take their course, and we are healed through our pain. Keep your head up, sistah.

Tameika said...

I just want to say God Bless you, and take your time and process this in your own way. The hurt and grief have to take their course, and we are healed through our pain. Keep your head up, sistah.

African girl, American world said...

Jamal...I didn't even finish reading....I'm hurting as I read.
RIP to your friend and hugs to you!!!

Shawn said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray that you find peace and comfort.

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

Oh Supa, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that it has got to be hard for you right now. But you are a strong woman that will get through this. I know that it may not feel like it right now, but honestly you will.

I have felt the pain of those sleepless nights so many times in my life and it just makes me so sad to read about how you are feeling. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. I still have to take something to help me sleep even to this day.

Reading about your sister just makes me cry. I have a friend that is missing. She went missing 55 days ago. Four months pregnant and know one has seen or heard from her. I’m so scared. I just want her to come back :(

Supa I’m so sorry about your pain. I wish that I could help you somehow. Please do take care and shoot me an email when ever you can to let me know that you are truly okay!

bunny said...

Please know that people love and care for you. How is it that we can just click on the computer and read other peoples words and then actually feel the depth behind them? Praying that you find solace, and peace in this most difficult time.

green eyed bandit said...

Always know that you hav people who love and car about you, expecially in difficult times.I also know that God never puts more on you than you can handle,believe that.Take some time to rejuvinate you need it.Much Love T. aka Green Eyed Bandit....

Brave Lurker said...

Supa,

I am crying for you, your sister-friend's family, and hoping that I can take some of your pain away and ease your emotional burden. I know I can't but wish I could . . . I don't know what to say but want you to know that you are definitely in my thoughts and meditations.

I wish you peace, a gentle journey at this time and lots of love. Know that you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

mr.brown is like wow -thats his jamal

Anonymous said...

Let it all out. Black women are Supa, and you are THE Supa Sista, but this is the time to let it all out, to cry and grieve because you lost a sister you chose to have. When it is time you will begin again walking your journey and healing. It is all that any of can do. I will pray for her family which does include you. Time, writing and prayer heals. Keep being Supa. Blessings.
Kita

Dee said...

~~~~~prayers and hugs~~~~~~~~~~

Chelle said...

My prayers go out for you, your family and friends' family. I pray that God gives you peace within the midst of your storm. In this life we may never understand why some things happen and why they happen to the people that they do.

The Bible says to live each day as if it were your last. I take that to mean that EVERYONE you care about, make sure they know it on a daily basis. Whether it's a phone call, an e-mail, whatever. Those that you love, MAKE SURE THEY KNOW IT!

When writing a blog, you touch hundreds maybe even thousands of people. People who are going through things that you would never imagine, people who may feel all alone in their situation.

The Supa Sign is a Sign of Strength. Maybe, GOD was saying....Supa, you are about to go through some hard times. You are about to loose some people that you care about, and each time you loose one of those persons you are gonna hurt, you're gonna be mad, you're gonna be mad at me but that's okay. Cause I'm gonna use you, I'm gonna work through you. You WILL HAVE a STRENGTH LIKE NONE OTHER AND YOUR TESTIMONY WILL BE A TESTIMONY FOR HUNDREDS MAYBE EVEN THOUSANDS, that at one time or another didn't think that they would make it!

Keep giving your testimony. Through the hurt and pain keep telling us your story. Cause you're not the only one being healed from it!

African girl, American world said...

hey gurl - I love ya!!!

jameil1922 said...

stay strong girl. you are. everything in life has made you the supremely strong sister you are today. it comes through in your writing. despite your pain, YOU ARE STRONG. keep your head up. you are a beautiful person. its your soul.

Tiffany said...

I pray for the progress of Karen's soul. I pray for Karen's friends and family.

Sangindiva said...

Supa-

I'm sooo sorry to hear of this.
I'm praying for you and her family.
I have no words...
Know that you are loved.

indigosoul said...

it's ironic that i was thinking today of a most wonderful friend i lost twenty years ago when we were only children and i cried as though it were yesterday. you be encouraged and i pray for her spirit and yours to be at peace...

obifromsouthlondon said...

i feel your pain me lady and have been there. death always creeps up on supposed healthy people and takes them in their prime. unexpected and sometimes unwanted. especially by the ones left behind. the great certainty always leaves us unprepared.

to your friend R.I.P. must be, has to be greener on the otherside. that is certain.

Epsilonicus said...

Keep your head up! Your friend will live forever. She will live forever in your heart. She continues to live through you. She has loved you and you have loved her. The heart never forgets the love that it has received.

MzNewAgenda said...

Supa, I'm trying to find the words and they don't seem to come. So I will ask that God remove me and let the Holy Spirit help me. When I think of all the loss you have endured over the past few years, I can't help but think and pary:
"Father God, is that what a Job-sized test is? I know there is no testimony with no test but Father, heal her from the hurt. Protect her from the danger. Comfort her in the sorrow. Strengthen her in her weakness. Give her wisdom in her indecision. Guide her in her confusion. And Father, most of all, be there when no one else can. For you know when her smile and mouth say 'I'm ok' and her heart says 'Take me, too' God, help her with the unspoken thoughts and unshed tears. Give her the strength that only you can." If it be your will, Father...In the matchless name of Jesus. Amen.