Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Art of the Polite Diss

So there Supa was, strolling Leimert Park on a Sunday afternoon, minding her own while shopping for oils & incense, books, and some good old fashioned sustenance. (grub) She walks into the new Jamaican restaurant and browses the menu, eagerly hoping to roll up on some tasty curry chicken, veggies n rice, or even some bomb ass spinach patties, and possibly even some Ting. Suddenly, Supa notices a large figure approaching from her left. *sigh* It's a dude.

So, dude approaches. Engages Supa in polite enough banter. Nice weather, you lookin' nice today, have you eaten here before, blabbity blah. Brotha was all gentleman. Polite, decent convo, didn't rush into any wack lines, etc. So, Supa's chattin' with bruh, waiting for her food. Brotha then ups his game and offers, "So hey, I'm from outta town (Miami) and just rollin' through on business (legal/illegal? hmmm..), where's a nice spot to, you know, hang out and chill...with a sista like you?"

Okay. First of all, Supa knows of plenty of spots to hang out and chill, none of which would be the types of joints in which this brotha could make an appearance and not look like a clown. Oh, maybe this is where I should interject that his mouth looked like this.
And he was rockin' one of them "midget" type medallions Luda be talkin' bout. Not Supa's type, but you're throwing the dice if you actually say that type of stuff.

So, this is where we come to "The Art of the Polite Diss." Contrary to popular opinion, there is a science to this shit. If you're on your A game, one knows she must not haphazardly throw out a garden-variety diss; one must use her creativity, and tailor diss to match the current situation/subject. Failure to do so can result in some pretty testy situations. Some brothas got them things called fragile egos, and much prefer for them to not get cracked..

So in this instance, taking into account said Grillz' general demeanor, Supa gave him the casual "thanks, but I'm married" polite diss, offered the names of hangouts Supa thought he might enjoy, and the whole interaction de-escalated itself with no further questioning, harrassment, bruised egos, curse words, police reports, etc. Lovely.

Not always the case. Here are samples of polite disses I've accumulated over the years, and the responses given when a brotha just doesn't take the hint:

Polite Diss #1: I'm married/engaged/got a man.
Retort: So? I'm married/engaged/got a woman, too. Can't we be friends? or I don't care, I can be your side man...

Polite Diss #2: I'm only into girls.
Retort: Oohh shit. How can I be down? or You into girls? Me too!

Polite Diss #3: I just found out I'm pregnant. With twins.
Retort: So? I'll take care of you and yo' kids.

Polite Diss #4: I'm single and have six kids and don't really have time to date.
Retort: So? I can come over and get to know you after you put them kids to bed.

Polite Diss#5: I had a bad experience, and I don't fuck around with gangstas/thugs/ballers/players/Belizeans/rappers/industry cats/(insert whatever dude looks like he might be here)
Retort: I'm not like any of them other cats you fucked around with.

Polite Diss#6: I'm on my way to prison in a few weeks, and I'm using this time to get my business in order.
Retort: Word? Well, where you gonna be on lock? A n*gga can write you....

Polite Diss#7: I'm on parole for bustin' four caps in my last man's chest.
Retort: Yeah, I like you gangsta broads!

Polite Diss#8: My therapist doesn't think I'm ready for a new relationship. She upped my meds while I'm trying to deal with my issues with men.
Retort: That's why you need a brotha like me..

Polite Diss#9: I just got my orders and I'm on my way to Iraq.
Retort: So, we should really hook up before you go..

Polite Diss#10: I'm celibate.
Retort: Word? I can help you with that.. or You celibate? How much you sell it for?

One time, Supa unfurled damn near her entire repertoire, while involved in a hilarous back-and-forth game of "polite disses and retorts" with a brotha who matched her silliness and twisted sense of humor.

See. Who said gettin' dissed can't be fun....


mrpunchcar said...

how 'bout when a brotha approaches ur not interested in and he starts his line, just start using sign language and strange grunting noises. and if all else fails, u can always start frantically scratching your crotch. that's very attrash-tive.

Supa said...

Crotch scratching? Don't think I could go there, Skia!!! But hey - what did I say to you when u approached? LOL

Kidding, "Skia-Bear" (sticking tongue down throat). Pattotie said call her.

Anonymous said...

Supa, you are SO crazy! This is a wonderful post. You got me really thinking and laughing!

Knockout Zed said...

Tell him you gotta get home and wash the skid marks outta your drawers. That'll do it.


Supa said...

Zed that's nasty

Miss Ahmad said...

my favorite was a shrimpy ass white dude who came up at my breasts, smiling and looking all crazy, telling me that he liked dark meat!

i smiled and said "me too"

Zlogical said...

That's funny LOL. You know I'm laughing, but I would speak to you,too lady--what? Nothin' wrong with a brotha tryin'...If I was lookin'.

onecoolhoney said...

LMAO @ Zed and Supa...both y'all crazy!!! lol boy!! I usually get hit on by dudes 21-24, so I just tell 'em the truth. I don't date men that young and I don't have time anyway. If they come back with a retort, I couldn't care less. I already said what I had to say. lol I don't expound or debate.

DPM said...

I think we've met before... At least 5 times maybe.

Hypothetically Speaking said...

You are so nice. I don't do polite dissage (don't ask) too often lol.

Anonymous said...

i thought the polite diss was mad funny. supa sister put it down again, those were great ways to let brothers down easy.
keep it coming, i'm out.

Single Ma said...

Supa, you are crazy!! How sweet of you to diss a brotha but still care about his feelings. blah!

I don't even bother with the polite diss anymore. I've perfected THE LOOK. You know the one, *blank stare* then the eye roll without even moving your head. Works every...well...most of the time. LOL

LOL @ back and forth game of polite disses and retort. A brotha who can match your wit is probably worth the digits. I love a man who can think fast on his feet.

Knockout Zed said...

Some cats won't quit for shit. The meanest women on the planet are in Detroit. They will hurt your fuckin' feelings for just saying "hi". My skin is thick as fuck, so you gotta turn me off, or the mack will go on forever.


Free said...

Made me choke on some tea with "mouth looked like this" LOL

I'm gonna have to use #8 (therapist). These are good. I'm taking notes, Supa. Taking notes hard, girl.

*Single, 6 kids...*

Anonymous said...

Lawd...Miss Ahmad, that was a f*cking classic comeback! Love it.

YO SUPA! G'wan ova to Cocoa Girl...I got a challenge for that azz!

Butta said...

Supa, I am SO adding a few of these to my repertoire. Lawd knows I shoulda used one of these last week then I'd still have my keys.

Auntie said...

Thanks for the tips !! I am sure I will put them to good use.

jameil1922 said...

and then you went on a date w/the dude who matched wits w/you right? i would have. i love that. my faves were therapist and jail!!! i can't believe he was like, "i'll write you!!" lololol!! i've used the "i don't have sex" thing before, too. it never works. maybe i'll use some of these other ones! lol

Paula D. said...

This is so funny! I have had to act crazy before...literally. Dude would not raise up so I started yelling out loud...'The angels, don't you here them? They want peanut butter & jelly'

He got shook & hauled a** immediately.

Supa said...

Paula: Peanut butter & jelly? The angels? Girl, you win for that one!

African girl, American world said...

damn I wish I could have used these back in the single days!!! Now I just ask if they're ready to die since the spouse is off :)

Sangindiva said...

You are wild!! I told you that you need to sell this advice you 'be givin'!!!

#8 is sooo me!