I'm good. Much better today. Decided early on that I wouldn't get any trial updates until the days end, so I could insulate myself with good thoughts, good music, and the simple graciousness of being alive. It was a beautiful day. Had a cool day at the Lounge, scheduled a breakfast meeting to do some co-op advertising and promotion with a semi-big-willie in the Leimert Park merchant community, enjoyed my South Central neighborhod on a sunny day (Bone-Thugz and Harmony were shooting a video on my street - how crazy is that - didn't realize they were still a group...) Rolled around the streets with the sunroof and my thoughts wide open. Got some special love and support via text and email. (wink) Made an impromptu trip to a day spa I'd been hearing great things about down in Koreatown, spent the eve in pamper mode. A much needed mini-mental vacay. One day at a time.
Take care, Blogger Fam.
Okay, so I wasn't ready for Day Two. Nope nope nope. Nope no fucking way. Was I supposed to be ready to hear never known before facts (evidence) about Dena's last conversation, or her last moments on earth and at what angle she got blasted, or how this bastard actually had a baby with another woman after he killed my sister and unborn neice? (what?what?)
See, here's the deal. While the cops and the army and the district attorney were building a case against this fool over the last few years, there were facts and "details" they simply would not share with us. Said it would jeopordize the case. Said it might inflame the family. No kidding. So there are things that even I didn't know which are coming out in trial and I won't get into details but it's fresh new heartbreak. Fresh and new, alongside the old scars. And here's the even trippier part. I had the urge to call Dena to tell her how the trial is going. I can't even get into the psychology behind that right now.
And driving home, I'm thinking: shit like this changes people's lives. Drastically. Permanently. This shit is so far reaching and I wonder if, just a very small poignant if, if a person who murders, who snatches a loved one out of the arms of folks who watched her grow and believed in her and loved her to pieces, if it's even comprehensible for that murderer to imagine the ripple effect that his senseless, cowardly act has on so many lives - friends, co-workers, cousins and nieces and nephews, neighbors, law enforcement, lawyers and reporters, how so many lives will change and intersect and collide but for no other reason than his own sorry ass actions. Lives shattered, even those of his own family. He has no idea what he's done.
I'm torn. I'm torn because of how I feel about trial watching from a distance, yet knowing that I just would not be able to sit there through all this evidence. I've got kids to take care of, a business to run, and a mind to keep stable...I'll be there soon enough, just not for this part. (But still...)My presence will not change the outcome which I've already determined will be just. The trial is moving along well, which means closing testimony might happen next week and that's what I'm waiting for. Miss me with the defense's case, just miss me with all that bullshit. We know what he did.
But Dena-D: Lil' sis, you're an angel and you've been sending me support and placing little signs in my path to let me know you got my back, and I appreciate it. I really do. I've been embraced in ways large and small, unexpected and completely appreciated. From everyone who's sent me a comment on the blog, to the thoughtful and supportive emails, phone calls, and texts, to my friends and fam bam who have kept me lovingly occupied with hugs, real talk, pretty new "keep ya head up, cheer me up" shoes (thanks, Pam!), hang out sessions at The Lounge, etc. Any and all of it. Ya'll are performing a delicate form of heart surgery, and I love you for it. And trust, I'll be okay. Just need a minute to absorb and reset, and I'll be good. And everything is gonna be alright.
Trial Diaries: Intro
So today, my life unfolded simultaneously on two realms: one in a Georgia courtroom, the other, over the span of a beautiful lazy Southern California day. I got up early, got the car washed, walked the dog. Basked in the near 80 degree weather, ate breakfast in the back yard, did some laundry, hula-hooped, read in the hammock, napped. Took it reeeaaal fuckin' slow. All while a jury heard the first day of testimony in the case of my lil' sis' murder trial.
Had already decided I could spend the whole day stressin', or go through it graciously with the knowledge that justice has already been done and this trial is merely the logistics to that pre-determined end. When I called in for the day's updates, I didn't ask about the jury demographics or what the accused was wearing; just wanted the information revealed by the first witnesses. I was told about the hunter's testimony, and the circumstances surrounding exactly how he found my sister's decomposed body and I said hold on because I thought I was going to throw up. But I didn't. That's a very good sign. Not getting sick so much anymore. All around, it was a good day, as good a day as any. I feel a strange calm. I think about everything that's happened over the last four years. It didn't kill me. That must mean I'm basically fucking invincible.
Ready for Day Two.