Monday, December 18, 2006

Real Talk

"everyone who loses somebody
wants revenge on someone..
on God if they can't find anyone else..."


I'm thankful school's done! (for now) So, now I can get back to things I've long neglected; like washing the car, catching up on laundry, re-embracing my & others blogs, watching the Ti-Voed episodes of 30 Rock and Nip/Tuck, ironing out the wrinkles in my social/romantic life. Catching a movie. Downloading some new music. Being able to chill, for a minute.

Reflect. Absorb.

But, yeah. It's also that time of year. The time of year that demands a certain amount of holiday cheer that I can't seem to muster. The same time I usually flee, unable to fake it, and take refuge on a Carribean island where I can wrap myself in warmth and thoughts and memories of years past.

For the last four years, since mommy died five days before Christmas (2002) and my little sis's murdered body was found in the woods (2003) - both on December 20th - I just haven't been able to deal with the holidays. The island of Jamaica has been my sanctuary. It's a tradition for which I've been graciously thankful; Christmas in the Carribean. Sadness, rum punch, and a tropical sunset seems so much easier to bear. But I won't have the luxury this year. Too many things going on. Good things, positive things...though for a variety of reasons, I'm forced to stay put. (much to the disappointment of a certain dreamy-eyed Jamaican cutie...hey George) *wink*

But on the real. School has kept me constructively distracted over the past few months. Distracted enough for me to not obsess over the fact that my sister's murder trial is set to start in a few weeks. Imagine that. I still come home and have to remind myself that I can't call her, to let her know I got an A on my anatomy exam. To ask her to help me take my braids down. To bitch at her about something or another. Big sister shit. Why hasn't she called? It's been three years and I still have these crazy lapses. Same thing with mom. Starting to wonder if it'll always be this way. Death and loss are such a mindfuck. Repeatedly trying to adjust to the new normal..

But, yo. Some strange shit has been running through my head lately. Like - am I really ready to face this muthafucker down in court? What would happen if I just didn't go to the trial? I'd swore I could never step foot in the state of Georgia, ever again. On the soil where my sister lost her life. And now I'm supposed to get on a plane and go there for a criminal trial? Could I do that? Or...could I live with myself if I didn't go? Fuck. Will I be able to conduct myself if I do?

I mean, I've worked real hard on cleansing myself of the anger, hatred, malicious revenge plots and hopes of a violent prison-style sodomy rape against this dude. Lately, I guess you could say I've slowly approached a feeling of wavering indifference. (on a good day) But I suspect it all might change if/when I'm in the same room with this fool. I mean, this fuck drove my lil' sis to her death. Plotted the whole thing. Escorted her out his car, then shot her in the back of the head with a 9 millimeter then rolled her down a ditch. Stripped her naked then covered her with leaves and left her to die. While she was six months pregnant with their child. Belly showin' and everything. A little niece I never got to see or hold. I'm still angry. Not as fucking angry as I use to be, but still pretty pissed enough. Still hurt, on a more than a few different levels. My soul is definitely lighter, but don't misunderstand. I'm still working on that "forgiveness" shit.

Am I ready to face all this? (the trial) Can I live with myself if I don't....I just don't know, ya'll. I've been in a real good space lately, and having to revisit all of this in a concrete way is giving me mixed feelings.

Life is a wonderful tragedy.

17 comments:

1969 said...

Supa..

For you, the Holidays are a difficult time. A time filled with harsh and unfair memories, sadness.

I have to believe that you were chosen by God to be here to represent for the women in your family. You are their voice. Your story touches others and serves as a reminder. You are a strong woman.
Never doubt that. Your loved ones' spirits and memories live through your voice.

God Bless and keep doing what you do.

onefromphilly said...

There is reason for everything that happens. As strong as my faith in God is, I still have to tell myself this everyday when I fell like asking WHY. I have never had to deal with the murder of a loved one, so I can only imagine how you feel. But I agree with 1969, you are the voice of your family. We don't always understand why God has chosen the missions he sends us on, but we just have to walk by faith. I read your posts about your sister and I believe you ARE strong enough to go to that trail. Use your anger as motivation to stand strong and look that low-life SOB straight in the eye and let him know that he took the life of someone who was loved and he must pay for that! I'll pray for you.

Diva (in Demand) said...

You are such an amazing woman....that alone serves as a positive thing to so many people who are reading your blog.

The sense of peace and survival that you are maintaining is a testimony all on its own. Remember that.

Keeping you in my prayers chica....

P said...

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8:

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.

This is your time. You have mourned. You have wept, and you have lost. Now it is your tiem to heal. Nothing happens outside of the purpose, pattern, and plan of what we call life. It is no coincidence that your remix launched at this time of the year; no coincidence that you are in school, preventing you from using your passport to get out of the country, and no coincidence that the trial starts in a few weeks. This is your time, and I already know, just as YOU know, that you will NOT miss the trial, and that you will allow yourself this.

It's a time for you to transform, to renew yourself, to reposition yourselves. You would want that for your sister, your mother, and they would want it for you.

You being local, know that the radio station KJLH always uses the moniker "We are You". Jamal, You are them. You are your mother, your sister, and that will always be. Live and love fully. For the ruff ryders, for your mommy and sister, and most importantly, for you.

To everything, there is a season. This, is the season for healing.

Miss Ahmad said...

I too have a sister in the grave and although blessedly my mother is still alive I know the pain of loss can sometimes be momumental especially during this time of year.

As my brother and I were saying to each ohter about an uncle who is about to pass on to the other side...

We are to remember the truth about our loved ones and hold them in the highest of regard, hold their spirit high and know that these bodies are simply outfits we adorn for a while until we are truly free.

Spirit is eternal and true.

be blessed
be healed
be of strong faith

bunny said...

So many words of wisdom from those who care so since you can't physically get to the island this year just put on some Marley, mix up your favorite tropical drank (mojito)and puff, puff, pass.

You can do this, for them and for you.

P said...

One more thing.

I marvel at the relationship that you had with your sister. You know how the relationship is with mines, the resident druggie. Non existent. I haven't seen her in five years and you would do anything to see yours.

Today is the day for you. This I know. I know that all of your communication with us is online, not in person, and seemingly intangible. But know that we see, we understand, and can feel, especially through your writing of this.

African girl, American world said...

((hugs)) - just say the word and I will be there. GA is 6 hours away...for real!!

nikki said...

i have nothing profound to say cuz everybody has said it beautifully before me. i just wanted you to know that while i might not feel your pain, i feel your purpose, and in the end i think that's one of the things god must have intended.

Brave Lurker said...

Jahmal/Supa . . .

Love is greater than even death. Your love for your sister will ultimately pull you through no matter what happens. Victory awaits you on all fronts, so be encouraged sista'!

Kasandra said...

Supa...

Stay strong sista. I will definitely keep you in my prayers.

Epsilonicus said...

Life is a wonderful tragedy.

I prefer to say "Life is a beautiful struggle."

I think you should go. It is a way to find closure and you would regret it if you did not.

Miz JJ said...

You can do this. We stand tall because we stand on the shoulders of those that came before us. Peace & blessings to you.

peachy0114 said...

Forgivness will come in time...be there if you can stand it, it should help give you some closure..no complete but some and some is a start. You will be in my prayers..loss is a summa bitch. I still expect to have my phone ring at 5:00 am(6:00 her time) on Sept 13, from my baby's grandmother (she never did grasp the concept of time difference), and I still pick up the phone on April 1, to call my Gmom on her bday, it takes some time. (smooches) Oh yeah got to A's one damn C that math. Happy Holidays and enjoy your new year.

Phat_In_Phoenix said...

Whatever you decide, God is with you...whatever you think...you are justified...whatever you desire...will be yours....just believe.

Your in my prayers and I miss ya..

Holla,

~C

Enigma said...

I have read your post time and time again, trying to think of something uplifting, helpful, hopeful. All the bloggers who wrote before be said what needed to be said and did so very eloquently. I will lift you up in prayer.

Zlogical said...

Supa my first blog disappeared when I tried to save it but I just wanted to say that I am still hurt over this crime, too, and I don't think that I could sit there peacefully at the trial. I could barely read your blog about it without getting angry. I remember when you first told me about it, and that feeling still remains in my heart. There is no escape from the heart. You keep talking to the world and spitting in our ears--we have to understand that we are all one in the same and cannot allow ourselves to separate.