Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The Waxing Molestation Story
Blogger Fam: Hope all is well in your worlds! Supa had to go underground, or as P says, incognegro fo' a minute...had some matters of the heart to attend to. You know, I must say that it's a definite challenge for people who ALSO suffered the lost of a loved one on September 11th, especially when their death was in no way associated with the terrorist attack. I could go on a George Bush rant, and a whole lotta other tangents...BUT - that's all I'm gonna say about that.
So..on to The Waxing Story!!!
Okay. Supa's going to try to be as delicate as she can with this story, because of its, ummm, intimate nature...but some shit just can't be avoided. You've been warned.
So, ever since Puerto Rico, Supa hasn't had any exciting trips on the horizon, and therefore had gotten a tad lazy in the waxing arena. (for ya'll nosy asses - Yes, Something Special is still something special...) Anyway. Generally, Supa takes pride in keeping her goods pretty immaculate. Staying "Brazilianed up" might be a Cali girl thang, I dunno. Just suffice it to say, that before she knew it, Supa looked down and witnessed her um...*cough*cough*, prize area leaning towards, ummm.... unkempt. (lawd this is gonna be difficult...)
So okay. Supa makes a call to the spa, hoping to lock down a same-day appointment with her regular waxing technician - a cool ass Persian chick with painless waxing skills, who tries to teach me how to curse in Farsi while we chat about life and motherhood and the latest new fly handbags on Melrose. I mean - it takes a LOT to get to the point where you can be that comfortable and have chit-chatty conversation while you're spread eagle and your stuff is totally exposed. Feel me? But me and her are cool like dat. Yet - my cool ass Persian esthetician was also unavailable that day.
Supa had to make a decision. Wait another week and watch the garden grow, or take an appointment with an unknown. Supa opted for the latter. Big big fucking mistake. (Keep reading.)
Get to the spa. Greeted by unknown waxing technician whose name Supa has now erased from her conscious memory. Go into room, disrobe, hope like hell unknown waxing technician has good technique and won't leave Supa in tears. Waxing technician comes in, introduces herself. She's mid-thirties, Latina, non-descript. Or she may have been, but I told you, I've tried very hard to unremember.
So *sigh*, she gets started. IMMEDIATELY she goes: Your skin has such a lovely, deep brown tone. Fascinating....
Supa: (wtf?) Uhhh, thank you. Just got back from the Carribean, guess I worked on my tan, ha ha.....
Unknown waxing technician: Okay, so let's get started....(she starts.) Then: My, you have such an interesting hair growth pattern....it's almost like a unique design...
Supa: (says nothing - thinking this bitch is just talking to herself out loud..)
Unknown waxing technician: (after a few minutes into the procedure) My god, you are the best waxing client I've had...
Supa asks, slightly uncomforable now: Today?
Unknown waxing technician: No, ever...just...fantastic..
Okay - now my ass is gettin' a nervous. I'm looking around for cameras, wondering if they record this type of shit...My internal monologue was going am I trippin', naw I'm not trippin', she's trippin', naw girl you must be trippin', is this bitch trying to mack me down by complementing my area?? naw that's outrageous, Supa, you trippin'....
NOW KEEP IN MIND READERS: Supa is totally butt-ass nekkid and spread eagle while some female she don't know seems to be making advances at her crotch. Can you say: Twilight Zone?
So, Supa just had to ask: So, umm, why do you say I'm the best wax you've done - EVER??
Unknown waxing technician: Well, I've just never had a client as relaxed as you...your skin is amazing, I've always admired women with darker skin tones, and like I said, your hair pattern is sooooo unique, and in this profession you see a lot of anatomical variations, but I must say you're such a pleasure on many levels...visually and otherwise...
AND BEFORE SUPA COULD EVEN DIGEST WHAT WAS BEING SAID AND SPIT OUT A REPLY, the unknown waxing technician who I now believe is/was masquerading as a
DOWNLOW LESBIAN ESTHETICIAN goes: OOh, let me get this one little spot right here, and proceeds to (oh gawd) place her face THISCLOSE to my goods, and then places her fingers around my area as if she was reading some fucking braille around my STUFF. (There, I said it.) Now, I've gotten waxed LONG ENOUGH to know that THAT SHIT is professionally UNECESSARY...
THIS BITCH WAS OUT OF BOUNDS!!
Then - her finger just kinda sorta slipped. Just - use your fucking imaginations, boys and girls. (i want ya'll to know, I'm throwing up in my mouth as I type)
Supa jumped up and goes: WHOA! You're getting a LITTLE CLOSE, THERE.....
Downlow Lesbian Esthetician: Oh! I'm sorry...
Supa: Uhh, you know...my regular technician isn't this....INTENSE.
D.L.E.: Well we all have different techniques....It's okay, honey. Sit back, I'm almost done.. (taps my thigh)
Okay, so ya'll have known me long enough to realize that vanity will prompt Supa to do shit like keep on steppin' in some fly ass stilettos when her feet are on fire, and now, apparently proceeding with a Brazilian wax during which she was subtly molested by a lesbian who apparently gets a kick out observing and waxing Nubian assets.
The lezzie finished up, and didn't try any other moves. I was giving off the "try one mo' thing, bitch" vibe so hard, all conversation ceased. That room was so quiet I could hear people laughing down the hall. The D.L.E. said thank you without any eye contact. Supa left the spa without tipping the bitch. The way I see it, that trick owed me a dinner and a movie. Supa sat in her car, dumbfounded, and wondered if she should call the police or one of the Supa friends to confer.
I was just...confused... (what the fuck just happened?)
And each and everytime I've relayed this story since that fated day, my girls have laughed themselves into hyperventilation levels, while I've been on the other end of the phone feelin' undecided on whether or not I should be traumatized!
Unfortunatelty, this story is the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.
Go ahead, bitches. Laugh. 'Till it happens to you.............