Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Waxing Molestation Story


Blogger Fam: Hope all is well in your worlds! Supa had to go underground, or as P says, incognegro fo' a minute...had some matters of the heart to attend to. You know, I must say that it's a definite challenge for people who ALSO suffered the lost of a loved one on September 11th, especially when their death was in no way associated with the terrorist attack. I could go on a George Bush rant, and a whole lotta other tangents...BUT - that's all I'm gonna say about that.

So..on to The Waxing Story!!!

Okay. Supa's going to try to be as delicate as she can with this story, because of its, ummm, intimate nature...but some shit just can't be avoided. You've been warned.

So, ever since Puerto Rico, Supa hasn't had any exciting trips on the horizon, and therefore had gotten a tad lazy in the waxing arena. (for ya'll nosy asses - Yes, Something Special is still something special...) Anyway. Generally, Supa takes pride in keeping her goods pretty immaculate. Staying "Brazilianed up" might be a Cali girl thang, I dunno. Just suffice it to say, that before she knew it, Supa looked down and witnessed her um...*cough*cough*, prize area leaning towards, ummm.... unkempt. (lawd this is gonna be difficult...)

So okay. Supa makes a call to the spa, hoping to lock down a same-day appointment with her regular waxing technician - a cool ass Persian chick with painless waxing skills, who tries to teach me how to curse in Farsi while we chat about life and motherhood and the latest new fly handbags on Melrose. I mean - it takes a LOT to get to the point where you can be that comfortable and have chit-chatty conversation while you're spread eagle and your stuff is totally exposed. Feel me? But me and her are cool like dat. Yet - my cool ass Persian esthetician was also unavailable that day.

Supa had to make a decision. Wait another week and watch the garden grow, or take an appointment with an unknown. Supa opted for the latter. Big big fucking mistake. (Keep reading.)

Get to the spa. Greeted by unknown waxing technician whose name Supa has now erased from her conscious memory. Go into room, disrobe, hope like hell unknown waxing technician has good technique and won't leave Supa in tears. Waxing technician comes in, introduces herself. She's mid-thirties, Latina, non-descript. Or she may have been, but I told you, I've tried very hard to unremember.

So *sigh*, she gets started. IMMEDIATELY she goes: Your skin has such a lovely, deep brown tone. Fascinating....

Supa: (wtf?) Uhhh, thank you. Just got back from the Carribean, guess I worked on my tan, ha ha.....

Unknown waxing technician: Okay, so let's get started....(she starts.) Then: My, you have such an interesting hair growth pattern....it's almost like a unique design...

Supa: (says nothing - thinking this bitch is just talking to herself out loud..)

Unknown waxing technician: (after a few minutes into the procedure) My god, you are the best waxing client I've had...

Supa asks, slightly uncomforable now: Today?

Unknown waxing technician: No, ever...just...fantastic..

Okay - now my ass is gettin' a nervous. I'm looking around for cameras, wondering if they record this type of shit...My internal monologue was going am I trippin', naw I'm not trippin', she's trippin', naw girl you must be trippin', is this bitch trying to mack me down by complementing my area?? naw that's outrageous, Supa, you trippin'....

NOW KEEP IN MIND READERS: Supa is totally butt-ass nekkid and spread eagle while some female she don't know seems to be making advances at her crotch. Can you say: Twilight Zone?

So, Supa just had to ask: So, umm, why do you say I'm the best wax you've done - EVER??

Unknown waxing technician: Well, I've just never had a client as relaxed as you...your skin is amazing, I've always admired women with darker skin tones, and like I said, your hair pattern is sooooo unique, and in this profession you see a lot of anatomical variations, but I must say you're such a pleasure on many levels...visually and otherwise...

AND BEFORE SUPA COULD EVEN DIGEST WHAT WAS BEING SAID AND SPIT OUT A REPLY, the unknown waxing technician who I now believe is/was masquerading as a
DOWNLOW LESBIAN ESTHETICIAN goes: OOh, let me get this one little spot right here, and proceeds to (oh gawd) place her face THISCLOSE to my goods, and then places her fingers around my area as if she was reading some fucking braille around my STUFF. (There, I said it.) Now, I've gotten waxed LONG ENOUGH to know that THAT SHIT is professionally UNECESSARY...

THIS BITCH WAS OUT OF BOUNDS!!

Then - her finger just kinda sorta slipped
. Just - use your fucking imaginations, boys and girls. (i want ya'll to know, I'm throwing up in my mouth as I type)

Supa jumped up and goes: WHOA! You're getting a LITTLE CLOSE, THERE.....

Downlow Lesbian Esthetician: Oh! I'm sorry...

Supa: Uhh, you know...my regular technician isn't this....INTENSE.

D.L.E.: Well we all have different techniques....It's okay, honey. Sit back, I'm almost done.. (taps my thigh)

Okay, so ya'll have known me long enough to realize that vanity will prompt Supa to do shit like keep on steppin' in some fly ass stilettos when her feet are on fire, and now, apparently proceeding with a Brazilian wax during which she was subtly molested by a lesbian who apparently gets a kick out observing and waxing Nubian assets.

The lezzie finished up, and didn't try any other moves. I was giving off the "try one mo' thing, bitch" vibe so hard, all conversation ceased. That room was so quiet I could hear people laughing down the hall. The D.L.E. said thank you without any eye contact. Supa left the spa without tipping the bitch. The way I see it, that trick owed me a dinner and a movie. Supa sat in her car, dumbfounded, and wondered if she should call the police or one of the Supa friends to confer.

I was just...confused... (what the fuck just happened?)

And each and everytime I've relayed this story since that fated day, my girls have laughed themselves into hyperventilation levels, while I've been on the other end of the phone feelin' undecided on whether or not I should be traumatized!

Unfortunatelty, this story is the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.

Go ahead, bitches. Laugh. 'Till it happens to you.............

35 comments:

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

You said to go ahead and laugh...HAHAHA!!!

Sorry...but it won't happen to me..don't do waxes not even my eyebrows(get them arch with razor) b/c I have a low tolerance for pain.

You mention Persian chick does a painless wax. How is that?

Oh yeah..FIRST BIATCHES!!!

Me said...

ok first of all - I'm bi - so i can tell ya yeah the chick was coming on to you - any woman that keeps complimenting your coochie features is gay or bi lol

and that was nerve to get so close HAHAH - im suprised she didnt say " do I detect a hint of mint? "

LMAO

u should report her though for real - write a letter to the spa or somefin !

Supa said...

@ Southern Gal! LOL!! You 'aint down with the wax, hunh?? The Persian chick uses cold wax,(she said it's called "Persian wax) and I swear its painless compared to the hot wax stuff...

@ Me: LOL at "a hint of mint"!!! You crazy, girl. I thought about reporting her, 'cause her shyt was real boderline. I just was NOT ready for what went down!! It was my first "violation via waxing..."

1969 said...

Okay that was a total violation. Her finger slipped? Oh Hell naw.

Did you call the salon to report her behind?? You need to.

If it was a man and he had done it, you would have reported him right?? Inappropriate behavior.

That being said...That mess was funny as hell!!!!

Zlogical said...

I will try to brave this storm and keep it real. I'm sorry Supa...as a man all I could do was fight thinking "more" :*. Forgive me for I have sinned. LOL naw that's just crazy---violation is violation. Good thing she didn't offer you a drink (Mickey) for the story would have taken a whole new route in Supa's atmosphere. Ol girl must like tough sistas like you. I mean I'm laughing too because I'm telling you that you have enough material to go platinum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Best seller! This beats the chicken flying the crazy lady coop story hands down with a finger up oops I mean disregard the "finger"...I feel you...I mean forget anything I say for it will sound sexual. You know we go way back lady so I'm not trying to dis' you at all...I'm confused, amused, and pulverized by your stunnig ability to paint a picture good or bad all at the same time. You can check with your regular technician to get the DL on your girl when she gets back, but for now get to writing that book! :)

P.S. I was sitting in my den staring at my newly built (by my hands) wall-to-wall bookshelf and read one of your stories from Passion Pride & Pollitickin(P3)about the fate of hip-hop. Now I read this essay before when I first received your book, but for some reason when I read it this time I really felt what you had to say and agree--Hip-Hop we do have a problem...You've always had that ability to capture the essence of deep feelings. My first encounter was Timbooktu--for many now it is here on Supa-Blog. Let me shut up for before the supa friends show up at my door. Book agents--are you seeing what I'm seeing?

African girl, American world said...

I can't laugh....wait I think I did with innner conversations you were having BUT I can't laugh at the situation. You felt violated and that's plain wrong.
I think you should complain to the spa.
There was a SITC episode or was it girlfriends where the girls were getting pleasure out of something but I can't see it. When spread eagle like that you're vulnerable and chick took advantage.
Perfect job for an undercover.....
I'm ignorant...hint of mint? what does that mean?

OneDisgustedHoney said...

Aw hell naw. She straight needs to get rolled on. Hell naw. Hell naw. Shoulda kicked that bitch in da neck AND the ear!! Scissored her ass with a two-foot chop to both temples. See...and I'm coming back out that way next month too. Just need to pay her ass a lil' visit, my nig. I'll get all that bidness SKRAIGHT!!! She don't know me...who she gon tell on?!!! I got sumn she can wax aiiite. I ain't amused AT.ALL. Hell, I ain't laughing, smiling, nor grinning. I find not one damn thing funny about that ho shit.

Single Ma said...

Damn! I woulda just left with a bush. Nah...*smh*

Kasandra said...

I'm wit single ma!!! My first reaction would of been to kick her ass in the throat and running out screaming "RAPE"!!! That biatch needs her license revoked!!!!

The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

Ok, I'm not like everyone else, I'm LMAO!!! This is the funniest shit ever! (ok, how many times have I told that to people today?) but for real...I was laughing OUT LOUD and totally visualizing...well...not like that (hehhe) the whole scenario and the look that MUST'VE been on your face! HAHAHAHA...that's why I don't let folks get near my goods unless they're gonna fuck! ya feel me??

Damn...where's that spa you went to?? Just to keep in my mental books (DON'T GO THERE!!)

And I'm holding you to the 30th man...no iron stories this time!!

jameil1922 said...

laugh? wtf i was too traumatized to laugh. oh hell no. that was some bullshit. i would've reported her ass. there was no downlow abt her lesbianism. you can be a lesbian all ya want but when you try to slip fingers?! oh hellllllllll no. appalled.

Miss Ahmad said...

i had an over enthusiastic waxer for a minute i had to cut her ass off, there wasn't any finger slipping but she was probbing and prodding so much i simply felt like we were having a misunderstanding.

personally women can be as volotile as men and should be held accountable for their actions, one way or the other!

i hope your smoothness was worth it:-)

Knockout Zed said...

I believe I'm allowed to laugh since it will never happen to me. Except it doesn't seem to be that funny. And for some reason my pants feel tighter.

KZ

Cocoa Girl said...

Okay.

For the record, I have to finish reading. Yet, I had to take a breather after losing my breath while cracking the f*ck up to:

So *sigh*, she gets started. IMMEDIATELY she goes: Your skin has such a lovely, deep brown tone. Fascinating....

I'll be back...

Cocoa Girl said...

Okay. I think I have to go to the emergency room.

I think my surgical incision just burst wide open! LOL!

Oh.my.goodness. How did you stay that long??? My foot would have been upside her damn head!!!! And, I would have reported the bitch!

P said...

Supa, Supa, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

So, you have a certain pattern in your enchanted forest?

Sangindiva said...

This shit was NOT funny... ok aybe just a little
but I'm feeling grossed out!! I think I would have kicked her in the face. SHE was on some lezzie bullshit!!

Hey Supa!! *waving*

Epsilonicus said...

I was lmao!!! I had to tell my roomies about this!!

Make sure you only use your Persian lady. It may have been funny but what the new lady did was out of line.

I am soooooooooooo glad I am not a woman!

P said...

Um.

Sup.

Can you email me the name and locale of your favorite lady that will allow for a no pain experience?

RD said...

I feel wrong that I am a guy and I feel for you lol. Wow what an experience. Will you ever be the same? Just kidding.

RD

tjeanise said...

OMG- I can only wonder what would have happened if you didn't say anything.....

TooSerious said...

I'm sorry...that's disturbing and funny as hell! I get waxed regularly...got to keep the area right. I have a particular esthetician that I go to, too and we are cool like you and your regular technician. If she ain't there...I don't go. I couldn't imagine! I might have had to called the police or the Better Business Bureau...somebody!

Miz JJ said...

Hee. The first time I had a Brazillian I felt violated. I didn't realize that's how it went. You are on cool cucumber I would have been cussing someone out if her finger 'slipped'.

Test Blog said...

If she licked you and it felt good, would you have stopped her?

African girl, American world said...

to hemissedout - you OBVIOUSLY don't know Supa.

Supa said...

Damn! Offline for a few days and all HELL breaks loose.

THANKS MWABI. *nuff said*

Okay, enuff of the molestation, I'm bout to drop a new post!!! :)

peachy0114 said...

damn this shit is not funny, I think I would've pop that lesbian in the eye. Do I need to roll wtih onedigustedhoney.... when she comes that way?

Supa said...

hemissedout: No lesbians were injured during the writing of this post...FYI: To each her own, but Supa is strickly dickly. TRUST and believe.

@ Peachy and OneCoolHoney: Stop. :)

911 said...

Damn supa that was funny as hell, the look on your face when the slip happened had to be priceless.....1

Anonymous said...

Supa, Did this really occur or is this just a fantasy you've longed for and decided to share it with the bloggers to get an opinion? I don't know but i think you are readin waaaay too much into this scenario.

Anonymous said...

I agree with ^^^^ why would this woman jeoperdize her career statrting with you after being in the biz xxxx amount of years? baloney!!! i believe you want attention supa, and this is your perverted way in getting it! GET A REAL LIFE BITCH!

Supa said...

ooooohhh! Hateration! I love it. To Anon: (both of ya) I must profess, I haven't the slightest CLUE what was going on in ole girls mind, and only had her WORDS and ACTIONS to go on...

Why I would wanna MAKE some shit like this up is beyond me. Check it - next time somebody plays slippery fingers next to your goods under the guise of a bikini wax, holla at a sista...

Going back to my REAL LIFE now..

- Supa Bitch

Supa said...

oh, and Anon: (both of ya)

Forgot to add: Yes, Supa is total and complete attention whore. Thanks so much for noticing!

Anonymous said...

supa chix i'm not feelin this episode with you and ol girl...sorry i think your trippin and i hope the salon employee never reads this bullshit. your a lying slut!

Supa said...

Anon: I'm a fabulous slut, sweetie! Get a life now, boo. Please.