Sunday, July 09, 2006
Creative Mourning & Other Life Shit...
Finishing a book is like taking a small child out in the backyard...and shooting it.
~ Truman Capote
Needless to say, I've been in a strange sort of mood lately...no doubt directly related to the send off of my final book proof. (Yay? I always get a lil' screwy in the head after releasing a writing project...)
But, man... I've had this anxious, wacky kind of energy...kind that has me wandering into the backyard to have clandestine bong out sessions at midnight (read: smokes de marijuana); kind of mood that has me near breakdown tears while scanning the Net and I can't locate the quote I'm looking for fast enough...(finally found it - see above). I'm having crazy ass vivid dreams....been anti-social (uhh, more than usual)........been watching writing-related movies like Sideways and The Hours and crying like a big ass baby......been waxing melancholy on the days when Clinton was Prez, hip-hop was worth a damn, and the biggest decision I had to make was what I was gon' cop off the ice cream truck.
Lawd. Supa's got a case of the weeps!! Or some sort of summertime, heat-induced existential crisis. Hell, maybe she just needs some a this. I'm gonna bet on all.
And, otha day, I got a call from the Victim's Advocate assigned to keep us informed about my sister's murder case. When I saw her number, I picked up the phone and simply asked: "Is he dead yet?" I was hoping to get some delicious news about a brutal prison rape and subsequent fatal shanking. But no. The news was nothing like that, and I won't even get into it. But the fact that three years lata and I still have waking nightmares and explicit revenge fantasies on this dude, it reminds me of the healing that is still very much "in process." Still seems like some impossible shit to me.
I've had some time off work ya'll, and believe me, seems with all the catch-up I've been doing (long over due phone calls, doctor's appointments, kid's activities, car repairs & other issues, going through my pile of always accumulating mail, checking in with friends I haven't been able to sit down and have a decent conversation with in months, etc) - it just hit me: How the fuck did I ever do all this while working 8 hours a day? I mean, shit, man. That's a scary thought. So many roles. So little time. Need to do like Brand Nubian and Slow Down.
Because really, it's an impossible life, yo. Always rushing, multi-tasking, emailing, squeezing the shit out that thing we call time - trying to hold it down in the corporate world and still attempt some kind of quality life at home. Plus, for extra kicks, if you're blessed with ovaries - (and you happen to be a mother) - you've got about fifty other roles to add on to alla that - chauffeur, cook, maid, question answerer, problem-solver, personal assistant, mind-reader, ego-stroker, yeah. you. get. the. point.
Duh. No wonder we're all wound up and crazy and angry and anxiety-ridden and pissed and disappointed and road raged. Shit, when do we have time to stop - breathe - reflect - dream - be - catch a quiet moment? Don't know about ya'll, but I'm finito with making my "TO DO" list equal "MY LIFE". Fuck all that. Did it really take losing my mommy, sister, and friend to stumble upon this epiphanomenality? Sadly - yes.
So, hey. I'm yellin' uncle. Supa's in the midst of striving toward a healthier..more balanced...less hectic...more fulfilling lifestyle.... Everyday. Not just on the weekends. Or on vacation (which I desperately need), or whateva. Gotta be more present in my life, and my loved ones lives. Gotta be more disciplined with my next project. Gotta write more fearlessly. Release the lioness; tap into that wild woman gene the world tries to beat out of you. ("Ms. Celie, I knows what it like to wanna sing..and have it beat out of you" ~Sophia, Color Purple. lol. "Alls my life I hads to fight!")
Gotta remember my little-girl dreams and do it Big Girl style...I mean, just peep that photo up there..(no crackin' on my shirt, the shits was hella fly back then)...see that thick-haired gal with the fire in her eyes? I'ma start checkin' in with her more, on the regular. Got a feeling she could clue Supa in on some real shit...
"You sit here for days saying 'this is strange business'..You're the strange business. You have the energy of the sun in you, but you keep knotting it up at the base of your spine...You're some wierd kind of gold that wants to stay melted in the furnace, so you won't have to become coins."
At any rate, Blogger Fam - hope ya weekend was cool. 'Bout to go bong out and finish being weepy...'cuz Supa got some otha raw funny shit to share, and 'aint no weepiness needed for alla that.
Update: Tomorrow's the full moon. Ohhhh, no fucking wonder!!!