Sunday, July 09, 2006

Creative Mourning & Other Life Shit...


Finishing a book is like taking a small child out in the backyard...and shooting it.
~ Truman Capote

Needless to say, I've been in a strange sort of mood lately...no doubt directly related to the send off of my final book proof. (Yay? I always get a lil' screwy in the head after releasing a writing project...)

But, man... I've had this anxious, wacky kind of energy...kind that has me wandering into the backyard to have clandestine bong out sessions at midnight (read: smokes de marijuana); kind of mood that has me near breakdown tears while scanning the Net and I can't locate the quote I'm looking for fast enough...(finally found it - see above). I'm having crazy ass vivid dreams....been anti-social (uhh, more than usual)........been watching writing-related movies like Sideways and The Hours and crying like a big ass baby......been waxing melancholy on the days when Clinton was Prez, hip-hop was worth a damn, and the biggest decision I had to make was what I was gon' cop off the ice cream truck.

Lawd. Supa's got a case of the weeps!! Or some sort of summertime, heat-induced existential crisis. Hell, maybe she just needs some a this. I'm gonna bet on all.

And, otha day, I got a call from the Victim's Advocate assigned to keep us informed about my sister's murder case. When I saw her number, I picked up the phone and simply asked: "Is he dead yet?" I was hoping to get some delicious news about a brutal prison rape and subsequent fatal shanking. But no. The news was nothing like that, and I won't even get into it. But the fact that three years lata and I still have waking nightmares and explicit revenge fantasies on this dude, it reminds me of the healing that is still very much "in process." Still seems like some impossible shit to me.

So.

I've had some time off work ya'll, and believe me, seems with all the catch-up I've been doing (long over due phone calls, doctor's appointments, kid's activities, car repairs & other issues, going through my pile of always accumulating mail, checking in with friends I haven't been able to sit down and have a decent conversation with in months, etc) - it just hit me: How the fuck did I ever do all this while working 8 hours a day? I mean, shit, man. That's a scary thought. So many roles. So little time. Need to do like Brand Nubian and Slow Down.

Because really, it's an impossible life, yo. Always rushing, multi-tasking, emailing, squeezing the shit out that thing we call time - trying to hold it down in the corporate world and still attempt some kind of quality life at home. Plus, for extra kicks, if you're blessed with ovaries - (and you happen to be a mother) - you've got about fifty other roles to add on to alla that - chauffeur, cook, maid, question answerer, problem-solver, personal assistant, mind-reader, ego-stroker, yeah. you. get. the. point.

Duh. No wonder we're all wound up and crazy and angry and anxiety-ridden and pissed and disappointed and road raged. Shit, when do we have time to stop - breathe - reflect - dream - be - catch a quiet moment? Don't know about ya'll, but I'm finito with making my "TO DO" list equal "MY LIFE". Fuck all that. Did it really take losing my mommy, sister, and friend to stumble upon this epiphanomenality? Sadly - yes.

So, hey. I'm yellin' uncle. Supa's in the midst of striving toward a healthier..more balanced...less hectic...more fulfilling lifestyle.... Everyday. Not just on the weekends. Or on vacation (which I desperately need), or whateva. Gotta be more present in my life, and my loved ones lives. Gotta be more disciplined with my next project. Gotta write more fearlessly. Release the lioness; tap into that wild woman gene the world tries to beat out of you. ("Ms. Celie, I knows what it like to wanna sing..and have it beat out of you" ~Sophia, Color Purple. lol. "Alls my life I hads to fight!")

Gotta remember my little-girl dreams and do it Big Girl style...I mean, just peep that photo up there..(no crackin' on my shirt, the shits was hella fly back then)...see that thick-haired gal with the fire in her eyes? I'ma start checkin' in with her more, on the regular. Got a feeling she could clue Supa in on some real shit...

"You sit here for days saying 'this is strange business'..You're the strange business. You have the energy of the sun in you, but you keep knotting it up at the base of your spine...You're some wierd kind of gold that wants to stay melted in the furnace, so you won't have to become coins."
~ Rufi

At any rate, Blogger Fam - hope ya weekend was cool. 'Bout to go bong out and finish being weepy...'cuz Supa got some otha raw funny shit to share, and 'aint no weepiness needed for alla that.

Until then!

Supa, out...

Update: Tomorrow's the full moon. Ohhhh, no fucking wonder!!!

22 comments:

dpm said...

Well...Well, Supa,

Sounds like a lot of unloading and unraveling. Amongst it all I hope you find/create the proper antidotes to help you heal and move beyond and above the things you can't change or control.

BTW, congrats on the completion of your project.

And as they say in commentville, "Fiznusrt, biatches!!" or is that "biotchez?"

Oh well...

Ja said...

Mallie Mal! So you are officially SIT (i.e. Supa In Transition). Enjoy Guhl. And no I didn't mean girl. Work with me.

Sometimes we end up in positions where we are cut off from our souls before we even know what hit us. It's then that we realize we are bobbing and weaving 99% of the time which is way too much. That crap jams your frequencies.

It's really all about getting back to the mind/body work thing we ignore when we get caught up in the unauthentic roles we have been cast into (said one insane writer to another). Can you say OM?

Somehow I think you will find your way back. Hell and if you have any doubts, I have one word of advice. RUN!

And you know I ain't got nothing but Sister love for you on the creative project. Congratulations Mallie Mal!

Love from Dago
ogd

Epsilonicus said...

I may have to join you on bonging out. Both of us are having the blues.

onecoolhoney said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Free said...

Just hang on & ride this one out girlfriend. Go ahead and be weepy, get fucked up & whatever else you need to do to deal with it, but don't try to stop the tears -- all that stuff has built up & it has to come out of you somehow.

"it's an impossible life, yo" (But you're woman enough to do the impossible. Don't let anybody or anything make you feel differently.)

And you know how to do the impossible, right? "Gotta remember my little-girl dreams."

Supa - you have to get through this because who the hell else will I get my inspiration from?

Love & Peace
Free

1969 said...

As a mom, wife, excutive and all around fellow superwoman, I can totally relate. Sometimes, we give so much of ourselves that we eventually wake up realizing that dammit...WE NEED SOMETHING TOO!

We need some peace, some quiet time, some stillness, some attention, some love, some laughs, etc...

Don't be afraid to put your world on pause when you need to without feeling any remorse. We deserve it every now and then.

And congrats on finishing your project!

Cocoa Girl said...

Congrats on finishing your project and relocating you, your authentic self.

It's scary how these unauthentic roles - and that little thing called 'survival' - can just swallow us whole.

Sangindiva said...

Damn if we ain't some Gemini Sistas!
I thought it was just me feelin' crazy, anti-social, weepy n' shit. I thought it was jusss me on the Bong out- or prasin' da lawd as my rasta father would say...
well since I am not alone I say this puffs for you... and me!
Enjoy this beautiful cali day!

Sangindiva said...

p.s. your pic is soooo cute!!

Nichelle said...

Hey Supa - congrats on finishing your project! I guess we're on the same wavelength lately... trying to find balance and dealing with book projects. I'm still in the throws of my project (see my post today), but I got enough done to send out proposals (you can do that with non-fiction.)

Can't wait to see your book!

Mempheus said...

Keep your head up Supa. You know I'm pulling for you because I need you to help support me. We're all in this together and even though I've been absent for awhile, you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

Much Love,
Mempheus...we may need another road trip to get us outta this funk.

Single Ma said...

Supa

Girl you just described my life to a T! Sometimes I just want to say fugg it all and disappear for a month. I've been really anti-social (moreso than usual) lately too, but I thought Aunt Flow was visiting soon. Must be something going around. Do what you gotta do to deal -- my vice is a chocolate overdose...bad on the figure but it damn sho taste good!

Congrats on the final book proof!

Greeneyedrican said...

Plus, for extra kicks, if you're blessed with ovaries - (and you happen to be a mother) - you've got about fifty other roles to add on to alla that - chauffeur, cook, maid, question answerer, problem-solver, personal assistant, mind-reader, ego-stroker, yeah. you. get. the. point



and then be an author on top of it all..I feel you Mamita..I feel you, but congrats on finishing the project....

Langston Hughes once said,
“Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.”

I try to keep it in mind when my muse is avoiding me..lol
Btw..great blog

Knockout Zed said...

Who knew you'd look exactly the fuckin' same all these years later?

Creative mourning is a muthafucka. Congrats on the finishing the proof.

KZ

African girl, American world said...

hey J....I'm with you in more ways than you know. You gotta allow yourself to FEEL and I'm gald you're doing that.
That first quote is DEEP!
Peace & Love.

The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

By MY calculations (with the help of my trusty witch's almanac) the full moon is on the 12th...but either way, with Merc in retro til the 29th and the full moon affecting everything ALL WEEK (because it's power comes before AND slightly AFTER) everyone may be feeling out of sorts.

I've been trying to write a single blog for the past 4 days...and I'm still haven't gotten it right.

Take whatever time you need to get your head right...healing is a slow and steady process - there is no right or wrong way to handle it.

Congrats on finishing your project. Have a blast in Dallas this weekend!

Supa said...

Thanks for the love, ya'll! Your words are soo appreciated.

Ya girl's still bongin'...

Dee said...

I hate it when I feel all outta whack and ish!!!! Maybe I need 2 be bongin...........

b. smith said...

first time here. i like your site. completing projects is always a plus in anyone's life. good for you.

by the way, what's bonging?

P said...

((SUPA HUGS))

On the real. I get sad because I have a sister that I don't have a relationship with and you would given anything to have ANY relationship with her.

:(

Billy said...

hey SOUP, I'm sad now that I read that your sad (were sad, i am reading this late). When i make my stop out to Californ-I-A I am going to have to bang you so hard your head puts a hole in the gypsum board wall next to your bed. I am going to have to climb inside of your cameo as if it were a one piece prison jump suit or better yet a sleeping bag that zips up all the way. You will only be able to see my eyes as I peek out from inside of you.

Excuse that outburst, Miss Ahmad sent me the Playboy mag photos of Stacey Dash and now I am looking to beat up some Black poonahnee.

Supa said...

Billy: Wait. Wait! C’mon, now bruh. Granted, them Stacey Dash pics might have ur horns out, but dude - please refrain from jacking off on my blog.

I think (?)you were trying to cheer me up, but getting cyberfucked without initiation or consent really pisses me off. Actually, it’s disrespectful and hella foul.

So, check: I’ma jump back up on my throne now, and whenever you’d like to apologize for reducing our beautiful black women to “black poonany you’re looking to beat up” – I might accept.

Meanwhile: Up ya mack game, playa!

Real talk,

Supa.