Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Supa Sister Rant: Don't Be A Sloppy Joe!
Although there seems to be a proliferation of the usual “creepin’” going on out there – the occurrence of disgustingly bad, sloppy cheaters is on the rise.
Now, a cheating man is bad enough, but a stupid-ass cheating man is just plain fucking intolerable.
Supa Sista believes – if you’re going to tip, please please please, have your game tight. Cheat like a real man. Okay? At least act like you care about protecting your main girl, and have more compassion for someone else beside your own weak and/or hounding soul and your allegedly neglected and unsatisfied dick. Don’t have your wife or primary chick out there all dumbfounded and traumatized, thinking you don’t love her because you failed to protect her from the truth, when the reality of your extracurricular activities come back and blow up in your face.
So! Since Supa Sister and her Supa Friends have been initiated by some of the most shiesty, hard mackin’, pimp-tacular, playalistic, cocky, spoiled, self-centered, naively arrogant, stupid-ass, lyin’, clueless guys to be found on the planet, we’ve compiled a few basic do’s and don’ts to keep in mind while you’re out there believing your ass is too smooth to get caught:
…..Realize that at some point, there’s a 95% chance you will get busted. Unless you’ve solidified your game down to every possible angle and your mack skills have gone global, just know that you, as a regular joe, are bound to get sloppy. Trust me dude, it’s inevitable. Women (yes even the one you’re with) have an inborn, stealth-like instinct and power to sniff out a cheating joe. Even when you're convinced you’re getting away with it, you’re probably not. Sucker! Trust me, the ish will catch up to you. If you think you’re getting over on your girl, it’s probably because (a) she’s waiting to gather more evidence to bust your ass, (b) she’s out tippin’ herself, (c) she’s extremely involved with other things in her life and her radar is severely compromised – (which is why you started tippin’ because she didn’t pay attention to you, we know), or (d) she doesn’t want to be without a man, even a wonderful wandering man like yourself, so she just turns the other cheek and let’s your creepin’ butt run amok.
…..Realize that cellular phone calls, pagers, and emails are the surest way to get your ass busted. Really, it’s the oldest sloppy joe fuck-up in the book. Technology, in all its wonderfullness, will get you! From caller ID to Star 69 to text pages to receipts and electronic data for everything, chances are there’s a way to track your movements once you get a suspicious chick on your trail. A cell phone and/or bill contain all the necessary information about who you’re calling, when, and for how long. Email accounts, voicemail and passwords are easily compromised. Unless you own a safety deposit box to use as somewhere you can stash all cheating related items, realize that all jean pockets, drawers, weed stashes, car glove compartments, notes, cards, mail, your friends, your co-workers, and ATM receipts are all subject to question, search and seizure by a suspicious chick. *Tip: Invest in a quality shredder. Office Depot, $19.99.
……Have a well-thought out cheating plan. If your game is super tight, you’ll develop a cheating contract right up front. (i.e., this is who I am, what I’m doing, are you down for this, this is what we should agree to if anything ever happens to go down, act like you don’t know me if you see me out on the street, etc.)
Lack of planning is the true sign of a sloppy joe. Jumping into a cheating scenario willy-nilly is a big mistake. You must ask yourself:
- Is this just a piece of ass, a “hit-it-and-quit-it,” or do I really like secondary chick?
- Will you be upfront about having a girlfriend/wife to potential suitors and just admit that you want some side-ass and a little excitement, or will you go the “just not satisfied in my relationship” or “she doesn’t really care what I do” route?
- Will certain places be deemed off-limits because of your primary relationship, or will you flaunt secondary chick all over town, no matter what?
- Will you subsidize an extra cell for your extra-curricular activities(also known as The Hottie-Hotline), or will you continue to use the same phone number?
- Will you only cheat with other chicks already married or in a relationship, or are single ones still on the menu?
- When the “you’re busted” moment comes down, will you admit to it like true “G”, or will you compound the situation with stupid ass retorts, replies that just make no fucking sense, pitiful justifications, wack-ass smokescreens, scapegoats, excuses, sob stories, etc?
Answering these questions is imperative; it will serve as the basis for which lies will apply for what scenario. Which leads to…..
…..strive to be consistent with your lies. Although being a quick, consistent, and unflinching liar probably means you’re some kind of sociopath, it doesn’t hurt your cheating game in the least. Nothing brings shade on you quicker than those inconsistencies and bullshit stories that even a deaf, dumb, and blind chick could see through. Keep a notebook and files if you have to, but having a photographic memory helps too. Memorize those other women’s phone numbers, fellas. Memorize, memorize, memorize! Do not store them in your phone. Any extra effort you extend will always be appreciated.
…realize that everything you say will be remembered, and held up to scrutiny at a later date. When questioned, just man-up, and act like your blood ‘aint pumpin' with Kool-Aid. In other words, don't simp or act bitch-made when confronted. If you’re striving to be a serious cheat, don’t act nervous, fiddle with your goatee, stare aimlessly at the ground, get silent, or ramble on with a bunch of bullshit, like "ummmm", and "well, you know.." Be able to say “Yeah I fucked her. Now what?” Just be honest about your shit, and spare everyone the drama. A chick might stab you, or pump a few caps in your ass, but secretly, she’ll respect you.
…..have a contingency plan, for when you run across a Fatal Attraction type who doesn’t want to let go when you try to put her down. Try to find a really dumb (well, dumber than you) or desperate chick to cheat with, when at all possible. This can keep your drama to a minimum, but there are no guarantees. ‘Cause dumb and desperate chicks have feelings too. And any real woman who feels hurt and betrayed will basically annihilate you, just on GP. Also remember - if you cheat with a chick who has a reasonable amount of sense, and she finds out (a) you’ve been lying to her, or (b) you really 'aint all that, just a sorry-ass sloppy joe looking for some fun to distract himself from his otherwise sorry and unfulfilled life – then you’ve got major major drama. MAJOR DRAMA, dude!
……ever think your girl is too sweet or stupid to check up on you. Ever. Yes, that includes hiring someone and having you followed. Ever seen the TV show “Cheaters?” Shit is hilarious. Check it out, consider it research.
.........ever, ever never ever never, have sex without a condom. EVER!!!!
DON'T....ever forget to dispose of condom wrappers, used condoms, sex toys, porn, receipts etc. you’ve used with/while cavorting with your side-chick. EVER!!!!
……..rule out the possibility that not only will you get busted, you might lose the quality of life as you know it. ‘Cause if you haven’t heard, betrayals and cheating can really jack up a relationship. And, not only will you lose the respect of many people (not just your wife, primary & secondary chicks, bootie calls, etc.) - you will also be laughed at by people who don’t even know you, when others are re-telling your sloppy-joe stories to their family and friends.
……ever forget that it’s your choice to be a cheater. You wanna run with the big dawgs, cool. Just remind yourself that any drama you incur is self-inflicted. You can always NOT cheat….you can always be honest and on the up and up. You can always end one relationship in a reasonable fashion, before starting another one. You can always go read a fucking book, join Greenpeace, get yourself into a therapist’s office and try to improve your life instead of inflicting yourself on others…
But if you must, I mean, If you just MUST…….
(start at the top...)
Supa Sister, out!