Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Things Fall Apart

"Life is always on the edge of falling down again."
~The Noonday Demon*

the tipping point: [definition] The tipping point is the critical point in an evolving situation that leads to a new and irreversible development. By analogy, when a small amount of weight is added to a balanced object, it can cause it to suddenly and completely topple....

Wow. If anyone still reads this blog, please know that I'm here and have not fallen off the face of the earth. Not literally anyway, but I'll explain more later. I have 3,729 unread messages in my inbox. Have not checked, read, nor sent an email or read a blog in a little under four months. The reasons are complex and varied, but suffice it to say that I was already barely hanging on after lil' sis' murder trial. Had a lot to process. Then, some other stuff happened, then some other stuff. Then some more stuff...

And then came a day, a few months later, (August 2nd to be exact), when I got the news that my baby cousin, our Justin, our 25 year old Justin, handsome, compassionate, intelligent and about to obtain his mechanical engineering degree Justin - had been senselessly murdered in Atlanta (same place as lil' sis), and that I had another good-bye to attempt, another funeral to attend, another fresh deep jagged wound for my family to try to stumble through, and another new set of motives and circumstances and crime scene reconstructions, hitting walls over this backwards ass "NO SNITCHING" ghetto mentality. New detectives, preliminary reports, felony murder charges, trial dates, all the familiar horror...and something inside my core snapped. It was all just too much. Half a decade of continual loss and death and grief. All these attempts to hang on to this slipping down life, to collapse, to get up, only to be knocked down again. Again. And again and again. Yes, the world breaks everyone. And it finally broke me.

On that day I made two announcements. The first one, to be expected. The latter, scared the shit outta everyone. Including me.

Number #1: Fuck Atlanta. Fuck Georgia. Fuck the whole goddamn state and every other state that touches it's borders. Fuck anything associated with Georgia. I'm done. That place has snatched too much of my precious blood. I don't give a fuck how irrational it sounds. So just fuck it.

and,

Number #2: I give up.

Not even feeling as if I had anything left to prove, the kids and I flew back East to grief and family and funeral - then I simply came home, got in bed, and didn't get up for a month. A relative came to take care of me and the kids. I slept, drank Vodka, sobbed until I threw up, drank some more, refused to eat, and took too many but not enough pills. I just wanted to sleep. I sat up one hazy afternoon, amazed I was still alive. By then it was September.

Things had fallen apart; again. Gradually, then suddenly. And this year, even a trip to Jamaica hadn't saved me.

Hence, the disappearance.

Though I won't even say I'm back - just checking in. The lady who lets me be lost on her sofa every week (my therapist) suggests that I try to start writing again. This is the soft encouragement she gives after reminding me all of this is normal after suffering a "major grief-triggered depressive breakdown," with a fair amount of "post-traumatic stress" to go along with it. (All these fancy words and phrases for going crazy, nowadays.)

So I have graduated from just trying to get out of bed and brush my teeth, to taking regular showers, to coming out of my room, to speaking without crying or shouting uncontrollably. Not without the help of a whole lotta love, and whole lotta doctor's prescriptions. (the legal dope- pills.) All of it has been a humbling, frightening experience, my closest slip into pure madness. Because of it, I've alienated a bunch of folks this go around; I became impossible and simply dropped off the map with no indication of a return. A few great friendships have been tested and deeply frayed. Normal conversations still remain amazingly tedious. When I'm able, I'll communicate what I can to them..and just hope.

But you are never the same once you have acquired the knowledge that there is no part of your life that cannot crumble..you must let go and understand that the world will be re-created and may never again resemble what you knew previously...*

So, a painful progress had been sort of achieved now, I guess. Phone calls and voice and e-mails still give me an unnerving amount of anxiety. I can text, though. And eat salad. Get up. Walk the dog. That I can do.

Re: writing again: I tell my therapist: I'm sick of writing about pain. I don't wanna be that tragedy chick. You know, that person who seems to go through it..again..and again, and again and again; that person(s) you lightweight stay away from just in case their shit is contagious.

What do you want, then? she keeps asking me.

I don't know
, I keep telling her. I liked it better when I didn't have to think or want. But I suppose now, since I'm up and wandering around - maybe it means I'm trying to find out. Maybe.

Until again,

Be well, Blogger Fam.

~Supa

23 comments:

Lil Mama said...

Hey Supa...we all have trials...we all have various tribulations...we all laugh, we all cry, we all live and we all die.

Just know that my love, my support lives inside of me and I share them with you.

No matter how long, no matter the distance, no matter the roughness of the seas...no matter...

You are loved, you are here and you are meant to be.

Peace & love my sista,

lil mama

yummy411 said...

hey supa, i just visited your page a little while ago to check up on you and to see how things were going for you and surprisingly enough i get an email updating me of a new post.

none of the 'be strong', 'stay up' and other sayings apply here. take time to grieve and do what it is you need to do.
as lil mama said, you are loved, you are here and are meant to be. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

thanks for even taking out this much time to chat with us and to write even for yourself! your blogger fam loves you supa!

Knockout Zed said...

I have absolutely no useful feedback. Just wanted to let you know I check back all the time and that on this blog we are in therapy together.

That's all I got.

KZ

Just Me ! said...

My sista - Ive checked on you every week and Im releaved to see you are still here ..

as everyone else said - and because i know it all too well - i know there is nothing that can be said that will take away any pain or change any situations..

so ill simply say this ... YOU'RE STILL HERE !!

Free said...

Dear, dear Supa... I am so sorry to hear about all this. You are an amazing woman. Girl, it's like somebody done let Satan loose on the world, but I'm hearing the (sometimes hidden) strength and determination in your words & I'm going to hang tough in any mess coming my way.

So glad you're are (sorta) back.

Single Ma said...

Supa

By writing and sharing your pain with us (in any form: the blog, your fabulous poetry, a novel, etc.), you are demonstrating an amazing amount of strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers. {{hugz}}

Trent Jackson said...

know that I'm round the corner and up the street! We need to meet up in Leimert and remind each other why we're made of the same rust-free, tenacious matter!

email me...

African girl, American world said...

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

for true, I do.

Kasandra said...

Everyone has basically said what I wanted to say. But you take your time to heal my sista and we'll be here waiting. I don't know you but I do LOVE YOU and hope one day the healing will get betta so that we can hear your fabulous entries again.

Take Care My Beautiful Sista

Anonymous said...

Supa

Girl, take care of yourself and your family. Thanks for checking in.

Love, Blessings, and Healing to you.

A fan.

Christine said...

J,

Know that I surround you with all the love, blessings, peace,and tranquility that YOU deserve. Take as much time as you need,know everyone is here to help you thru no.matter.what.

Peace,sis!
Love & blessings

eve said...

Dear Supa Sister
You are a fabulous person. I have always enjoyed reading your blog, though I have never commented. I am deeply sorry to hear about your losses and echo the sentiments of those who wrote before. I pray that you come out on the other side, stronger and more blessed. Whatever you need to do to get to a point where the pain is not so great, just do it.

Anonymous said...

Queen Supa
just wanted to send blessings your way, & may the Almighty give you peace, strength & happiness.
1 love

P said...

Jamal, yes we do check in.

We don't care how much you write. Certinly not now. My what you have went through in such a short period, you and your family. There is not much that I can say that no one else has said.

And yes, Ms. Sharif. We do love you very much.

Supa said...

I love you guys. Thank you. Your words mean the world, especially during these times when I'm hangin' on.

I'm learning that when "things fall apart"(quickly), "things rebuild" (slowly)..

Ya'll are the best. Much much love.

~Supa

P.S. ~ Four of the five young men who shot and killed my cousin have been captured and charged with felony murder. And so the long winding road down this %&# criminal justice system begins...once again.

Zlogical said...

I don't even know where to begin my friend I don't know. I can only say that I concur with your sentiments, but I'd like to escalate it further. We are in a counter-clockwise spin.
I ususally don't cuss much, but fuck the Black Race. We have forgotten ourselves in this so called freedom. We are lost on this spaceship called TODAY. I think back to times when people were killing us, blaming us, maiming us, and hindering us for racist reasons. I look at us and see that we are killing us, blaming us, maiming us, and hindering ourselves. Secondly I say fuck Hip-Hop! Oh it's made a lot of us rich, but millions more fools for pursuing pipe dreams. I say we are looking at the ground that we are on and not ahead at where we're going. I see the market schemes to suck more of us dry [This country wants us to spend instead of save because it's backwards, too]. It wasn't like that in the R & B days. Don't think that I am naive to think that it was all perfect then, but I see a trend that allows AMERICAN GANGSTER's to prevail over the AMERICAN DREAM[pursuit of happiness] turning it into a nightmare again like the Jim Crow days. I grew up post legal Jim Crow days in this madness, but I'm not a part of it. I'm a part of what should be [the reason so many of us marched], and what will be our future. The future that Martin, Malcom, and ordinary folks wanted--to be able to make something of themselves that is not a fad; that will stand the test of time so that when our children's children look back at us they won't want to deny us. They will want to show us off to their peers. Jamal there's nothing wrong with you feeling how you do--you're only suffering for and like so many of us has and will as the war for our souls continue in this current woe. I quit writing like I use to because I got too close to the fire and saw some things that really hurt me deep--I saw a lot of hypocrisy. When the question of right and wrong, truth and justice comes to your doorstep your answer to the question is a whole lot different than the ususal response. No, then you become a Vigilante seeking to destroy those repsonsible for your pain. In the world of fiction and movies we see the Superman's etc fighting for us, but let me tell you that a soldier has to fight their own piece of the war as a collective whole. If snitching is wrong than I'll give those responsible a taste of their own medicine. I watched films like Africa Adios, Sankofa and other raw films and I am reminded of the sickness that spreads within us all if we let it. We are not a race of people--we are a people in a race. The same marketeers of the past are same one's today creating puppeteer's to guide the flow of profit in the circle of the status quo. There are only three sides to this equation: conservatives who want to maintain the status quo, liberals who want to change who will be the status quo and revolutionary's who know that it needs to change all together. Classifications only amplify our destruction as a whole. So fuck every race [White,Black, Yellow and Brown] before they fuck us all. Because the bottomline is we are human beings. If you look close you will see that hate and of all of that negative energy comes in Black faces, too. The devil don't care who wears the shoes. Now I haven't spoken that way in a long time, but Jamal I feel your pain because I am human, too. And I love you--don't give up the good fight. :(

Anonymous said...

I Love You Supa, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Aunt Jackie said...

Lady J, I'm late reading this but sending you lots of lady girl friend!

Tha Keep It Real Diva said...

Supa, I'm new to blogging and I was going to question you about your beautiful profile,but your recent blog stopped me. I will pray for you. I don't have any words because I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you are going through. Take your time to grieve and get yourself together. You will be in my prayers.

:-)

Mica said...

Supa, you are an amazing woman. Do what you gotta do to get better. We LOVE you!!!!

bint alshamsa said...

I don't know if you believe in any sort of deity but I do, so I think it was more than coincidence that I stumbled onto this blog for the first time only to find this post.

In 2007
1. My favorite uncle shot his brains out in the family garage where my 14 year old cousin found him.

2. My 3-week old niece died of S.I.D.S. while I was in the hospital and no one told me about it until after I got out which meant that she had already been buried and I never even got to see her face, alive or dead.

3. Another one of my uncles was shot to death by some thug while he was attempting to shield the woman that the thug was trying to kill.

Oh, on top of all that, I have systemic Lupus and an incurable bone cancer.

I wouldn't normally just spring all of this stuff on a random stranger but I just wanted to tell you that you needn't feel alone, even though I'm sure you will from time to time. Bad, horribly bad, stuff happens to people who have done nothing to deserve it. I spent a lot of time trying to understand why all of this was happening to me and my family. I mean, we'd gone through more than enough already, right?

For a while I took a break from writing on my blog. I just didn't feel like being a part of the internet drama machine (also known as the blogosphere). I'm still not writing as much as I used to but I'm glad that I've gone back to it. It's good to have something to distract yourself from the horror story called "real life".

I'm adding you to my blog-roll. I hope you don't mind. Feel free to visit or even to e-mail me any time. Sometimes, it can feel good to talk to complete strangers.

Oh yeah, I agree with you...

Fuck Atlanta! I never liked that place anyway.

1969 said...

Supa....I didn't know that you were going through all of this.

First, I am sorry.

Second, F*ck ATL.

Third, I was drawn to this blog because you are such a strong woman. In mind, body and spirit. With time, I know you will grow stronger. Thanks for sharing your joys and pain with us.

Hugs to you and the RuffRiders.

We love you!

nikki said...

just wanted to drop by and let you know you and fam are in my thoughts and prayers. hope you're doing better.

i can't hate on the atl cuz i live here. however, sometimes the bitch does get on my nerves.