She's baaacck...
That's right, boys and girls. After 10 glorious unmolested days, Ruff Ryder #2 (The Girl) has now returned from her annual New Jersey summer trip with her favorite Auntie. (my ex-sister in-law and current best friend)
My anxiety kicked in early this morning. I placed the usual ungodly hour, long-distance call:
Supa: Can...she stay...just a few more days? (small unstable voice)
TiredAssAuntie (who thinks she wants kids, but currently has none): You're lucky I didn't send her azz back last week!
Supa: Sadist!
TiredAssAuntie: Heiffer! You just came back from Puerto Rico!
Supa: But...but I was just beginning to feel like a real person (vs. a tired mother. Real tears, now) You don't know what it's like!! She thinks my name is Mommy!! She's a vampire! I swear, she wants to eat me!!
TiredAssAuntie: She'll be on the six o'clock flight. Stock up on the Vodka, that's all I can tell ya. (click)
Supa, hands shaking, hangs up phone....began pacing in the backyard like a newly released felon two hours late for the half-way house. Fool. Your parole is ganked. (not that I 'aint had RR #1 (That Boy) to deal with, but still....)
This evening, her daddy/my ex-hubby happily scooped her from the airport, and delivered her straight to my door. It's his turn for a break; we've been playing tag team all summer. "I told her to go easy on you," he says. "Cheer up. By the time you're completely insane, I'll be back to pick her up....on Tuesday..."
"Please don't leave me here...it's not safe...they wanna eat me..."
He peels off, hittin' co'ners. Don't even look back.
And for the last three hours it's been Mommy, can I have a snow cone, Mommy where's the ice cream truck, Mommy when are we going school shopping, Mommy why can't I get highlights in my hair, Mommy why do I have to pick up Sassy's poop who picked it up when I was gone, Mommy do ducks fart, Mommy why can't I wear lipgloss, Mommy let's make up a new dance, Mommy did the Ti-vo record all the episodes of That's So Raven, Mommy, Mommy? Mommy. Mommy!
Supa, hands shaking, fumbling for Vodka...
LMAO! Jamal you'se a dayum foo girl!! OMG
ReplyDelete*suddenly realizes the graveness of the situation and stops chuckling*
Dayum, once again it's on, huh? :(
*commences praying*
I feel ya supa...my 3 y/o called my name so much this morning i told him my name walagalafia...why did he start walking around saying...walla, walla...meanwhile my 2y/o terror was squeezing toothpate in the toilet.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to MOMS World: Mother on Mental Sycosis
hahahha....
~C
may the force be with you
ReplyDeletehhahahah- I feel ya!!
ReplyDeleteLOL!!! And here I was thinking girls were better :) Parole revoked LOL!!! Uh huh...come back to real life like the rest of us. And yes I am hating....still salty I can't pick up and go to PR like you did. I got 2 permenently attached to hip ;eft and hip right :)
ReplyDeleteGirlfriend, I feel you or should I say feel for you! I have three (16, 14 and 9). School just started back here and I'm back to having ME time. Praise Jesus!
ReplyDeleteI love that people in blog land are keeping it real about child rearing. I am the auntie in this post. Enjoy the vodka!
ReplyDelete*help*
ReplyDeleteBasically -- suck it up and get over it. We should all be so fortunate as to have such a beautiful little "Sprite" flitting throughout the house.
ReplyDeleteSmooches to the little Sprite.
Supa you so funny! Do I hear a bottle of Smirnoff cracking open in the background? Hang on sista, Tuesday will be here in a minute. LOL!!!
ReplyDeleteI feel for ya sista. Those little ones can wear you down so quickly. My two youngest literally hang on my arms begging for shit like bubble gum, Sponge Bob and ice cream all day. The the oldest pops in every few minutes to ask me some insane question.
ReplyDeleteI had the babysitter come over so i could go out drinking...had a blast *Supa, u know* 6 FUCKING 15 my 3yo climb in bed & starts putting his finger in my nose. I was like what tha...
ReplyDeleteMakes me glad I dont have any kids!!
ReplyDeletemakes me wish i had kids so i could foist them off on unsuspecting relatives. LOL
ReplyDeleteYou had an actual break? Supa, you get no sympathy from me. With my mom having surgery, there has been NO BREAK AT ALL for this supermom.
ReplyDeleteTry two boys...Hmph...yeah, I'm bitter. Now give me some of your vodka. :)
The Sup:
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you give her one of your Hansen's she'll pipe down, eh?
Why don't YOU mix your favorite Hansen with the vodka and create a Hansentini... that should set you right for a minute or two.
ReplyDeleteUh oh! She's been missing for FOUR DAYS now. Did RR2 tie you up in the closet!?! Where ya at, chica!?
ReplyDeletelolol
Gnaw through the rope Supa, send up a smoke signal. . .help will be sent right away. . .
ReplyDeletestill praying....
ReplyDeleteit's Tuesday, did you survive?
:)
see now the RR's are to cute!! Girl didn't you know they have this stored source of power, that only we as parents can get from them with the right balance on a credit/debit card at the mall. Tell RR#2 that she didn't miss anything with thats so Raven.
ReplyDelete